MOMENTOS DE PASION

Filling It In

2010-07-14T04:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was just going back over my blog and there are some major gaps. I'm gonna fill a little bit in so it makes more sense. Here we go: I resigned from my job last Novemeber, right after having the twins in August to be with the twins' daddy. I spent time in Florida and Virginia, until I decided things just weren't gonna work out and I packed up and came home with the twins and my girls. It was a hectic trip, but I am SO glad to be back. So I'm back on island, single again and happy. When I was gone, I realized just how good I had it here. Great job, great weather, great friends. I've decided this is home and although I reserve the right to jump on a plane and go to Australia or some random place once in a while, Saipan will stay home for a very long time. So... Saturdays with Elle? Yeah, that's my fun time FOR ME! You are welcome to join me if you're interested. It's gonna be FUN!!! WOOHOO!

52 Saturdays with Elle

2010-07-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's been a while. Let's keep it simple and say "I've been busy." So, I have this idea in my head and am working it into reality, slowly but surely. Wanna hear it? Ok. I'm making a list. The list (once completed) will have a minimum of 52 things I wanna do while I am in the CNMI. Why 52? Because there are 52 Saturdays (or weekends) in a year and I want to do something JUST FOR ME at least ONCE a week. Saturdays are my favorite days, so... there you go. I'm nearly done with the list, so I will keep you updated once I begin. That's the plan, anyways ;-). If you have any ideas for me (I got stuck at 31), please send them my way!!!
Much Love.
Always.
Elle

Eat Hearts for Valentines Day!

2010-02-14T17:18:00.001-08:00

Nope, you didn't misread the title. Let me start at the beginning...

Valentines Day 2010. The Hunny tells me he's taking me to this little Peruvian restaurant for Valentines Day. Oh, and our neighbor is going to watch the twins! I'm excited! It will be only the second "date" we've had without the twins since I've been here (the U.S. that is - more on that later).

Alisha & Carlos

(Took this picture a month ago - aren't they gorgeous?)

So I scramble and get ready as quickly as possible - hunny says he's gonna play a WHOLE game on the PS3 while I get ready because it takes me "several HOURS to get ready!" LOL. I think he might have been right...

(Me trying to get ready... looking ROUGH!)

So we get to this restaurant, and automatically, the waitress starts speaking to me in Spanish (I think). Um... do I look like I speak Spanish?

Ok, maybe I do look a little like I should be able to speak it... but No habla espanol! I mean not really. I took a Spanish class when I was in Hawai'i years ago and I watch a bit of Dora with my 4 year-old Kata (or at least I pretend I'm watching), but certainly not enough to actually have anything resembling a conversation with anybody.

Anyway, she seats us at our table and hands us the menus. I scroll down, thinking everything sounds very...interesting. And then, I reach number 20.

If you didn't eat your carrots as a child, I will reiterate what the menu says:

"20. Anticuchos - Heart cow marinated in vinegar with special aji panca served with potatoes."

Translation:

"Heart cow... with blah blah blah (don't know what the heck the rest of the ingredients were) and potatoes."

It nearly put a stop to MY heart! I couldn't stop laughing and I asked the Hunny "Is this FOR REAL?" I couldn't tell if he was laughing because it was even on the menu or if he was laughing at my reaction to seeing it on there. Probably both ;-).

Now, I know it's Valentines Day, and I REALLY should have eaten a heart on Heart Day, but I just couldn't do it. I got the fried rice with chicken - I know. Boring and unoriginal. But it was MUY DELICIOSO! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!!!!

Happy Heart Day Y'all!
Love. Always.

Elle

MAAAAN!

2009-11-07T04:25:00.000-08:00

My niece, Isabel was telling us jokes in the car today, and her brothers Isaiah (second grader) and Goru (third grader) were listening good naturedly while she told us her jokes. Here's one she shared with us (as best as I can remember):

ISABEL: There were these three guys and God told them that they couldn't step on the pink cloud or else they would end up married to somebody very ugly for the rest of there lives. So the first guy steps on the pink cloud and he ends up with a really ugly girl. Then, the next guy, Isaiah, steps on the pink cloud...
ISAIAH: Maaaaan! Not me!
ISABEL: Shut up, Isaiah. Isaiah steps on the...
ISAIAH: But I don't want to be the bad guy...!
ISABEL: Shut UP, Isaiah. He steps on...
ISAIAH: I wanna be the GOOD guy! Make GORU step on the PINK CLOUD!
GORU: Hehehe.
ISABEL: FINE! Now SHUT UP Isaiah! So, one day GORU stepped on the pink cloud and he ends up with an very ugly girl...
ISAIAH: HEEEHEEEHEEE!
GORU: Hehehe.
ISABEL: After a while, the first two guys noticed that ISAIAH ends up with a very pretty girl...
ISAIAH: HEEEHEEHEE!
ISABEL: So they ask God, "Hey, how come Isaiah gets to be with a PRETTY girl?
ISAIAH: HEEEHEEEHEEE!
ISABEL: And Gods says, "No, wait. You don't understand. The girl he's with...SHE stepped on the pink cloud."
ISAIAH: HEEHEE...What? So I'M the ugly guy?
ISABEL: YUP!
GORU: HAHAHAHA!
ISAIAH: MAAAAAN....!!!

Good men and Evil

2009-11-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

Oh, what a strange few days. I've been thinking about this quote that I've always liked. It's attributed to Edmund Burke and it goes "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Ain't that the truth? LOL.
Some knuckleheads are trying to bash the Rayphand name. Pfffbbbtt! It's ok though, they don't know any better. Politics... gotta love it... or not ;-). I think we're pretty humble people (for the most part), we come from humble backgrounds, and we know our roots. Most of us just want to do something good in life and sometimes, a few of us get thrown under the bus in another person's effort to find a scapegoat. Nothing new or unusual about that. Part of it makes me sad, and another part makes me happy. People are in search of justice - how awesome is that? Problem is, they're looking in all the wrong places and doing it an all the wrong ways... Oh, well.
So, like a dummy, I initially jump in to defend my name... my family's name. But the thing is, I really don't have to. I know what I am, and what my family stands for. I'm proud to be a Rayphand, with all that that entails. All the good, all the bad, and all the ugly. Life is pretty good where I'm sitting. I just wish people would find their "peaceful place" and live their lives. What's that saying? Live... and let live? Yeah, I gotta let them live. I think I'll be just fine ;-D.

MUCH LOVE, PEOPLE. ALWAYS ;-).

Elle

WHAT'S Contagious?!

2009-10-07T02:46:00.000-07:00

Hunter (my six year old): Daddy said I have the pink eye and so I'm sick.

Me: That's right, baby.

Hunter: But I'm not really sick I just have a pink EYE.

Me: Well, you can't go to school tomorrow. Pink Eye is contagious and if you go to school, the other students are gonna get it.

Kata (my three year old): Yeah, and you're gonna make THEM ugly too!

Do I Believe in God?

2009-09-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Do I believe in God? The short answer is, "yes."
I believe in God, but I have my own version of who God is. I believe God is all good and not that judmental ball of fire some people believe Him to be. I mean, He did create us. Who, if not Him, would understand the extent of our limitations and be forgiving of them? I envision him as a gentle guide, there when we need Him, but reluctant to "meddle" in our lives otherwise - I imagine He is much like my mother, only with James Earl Jones' voice.
I believe God made us, but I don't believe He made us out of dirt. I believe He started it all - the Big Bang or whatever you want to call it, and I believe we did evolve over a gazillion years. I don't understand what the big to-do is over this "debate," I mean, we are STILL evolving now. Each generation is generally smarter, and more capable (physically, mentally, etc.) than the previous generations, so if you work backwards, it is conceivable that we came from thick-skulled, less agile ancestors. Makes sense to me.
I am skeptical of the Bible because people wrote it, and by that I mean "Traditional Men" who had the ability to write but whose perceptions were tainted by prejudices against women, homosexuals, etc. I don't believe God wants women to be subservient to men, just as I don't believe He intended men to be subservient to women. I certainly don't believe He had a thing against homosexuals, because he sure created a lot of them - both in the human species and the rest of the animal kingdom. Variety is good and I believe God is a master artist. I DO appreciate the Bible as an ATTEMPT at recording an unrecordable story, for after all, how can you write accurately about things you don't completely understand?
I believe in Heaven, I also believe in reincarnation. I believe Heaven is a resting place with Him, a transit station of sorts, if you will, but a peaceful spa-like one. I don't believe in Hell - at least not the traditional one which is a place of eternal inferno. I believe Hell is a state of being - we've all been there, right? - a place we often bring ourselves when we do not lead a life of "goodness" and love. The entrance to hell is a revolving door - walk yourself in, and walk yourself out... not as SIMPLE as that, but you get the gist.
And lastly, I don't believe "He" is a he. I don't believe "He" is a she either. "He" is asexual, but to call Him an "It" would be demeaning, and so I use the term "He" loosely... just because.
I could go on and on, but I won't. The point is, I might not necessarily believe what everybody else believes, but I DO believe in something bigger than life itself. I believe in goodness and in love. I don't see anything wrong with that... do you?
Love. Always.
Elle

What 8 Year Olds Talk About in the Lunchroom

2009-09-24T01:48:00.000-07:00

Overheard this in the school cafeteria today. It was a conversation between two third grade boys and I'm still undecided as to what to think about the content. I was shocked to be sure, but at the same time, I couldn't help but want to laugh out loud. I didn't of course...

Boy 1: My mom says I can't have a girlfriend until I'm 18 or older.
Boy 2: Hey! You said we all have to have girlfriends when we're in the third grade!
Boy 1: And what? You have one?
Boy 2: Yup... but it's a boy.
Boy 1: HAH! LESBIAN!

They both had a good laugh and went about their business as usual. I couldn't figure out if they were joking or serious. They reminded me of my brothers when they tease each other and laugh about it. But to see it in such young boys threw me. It just shocks me every year when I get students that KNOW so much about things I never did at that age. Listen to me. I remember my elders saying the same thing to us when we were kids. "When I was your age..."
*Sigh* I'm getting old.

"A Gentle Breath of Heaven"

2009-09-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

"Every now and then,
When the world sits just right,
a gentle breath of Heaven
fills my soul with delight..."
~Hazelmarie ‘Mattie’ Elliott, A Breath of Heaven

This quote makes me think of:

that sudden sweet breeze right before the rain...

the secret smiles that lights up my babies' faces while they sleep...

the steam rising from a loaf of fresh baked bread...

that papery scent of unopened Christmas presents...

the sound of a frothy wave smoothing out the wrinkles in the sand...

and the way the setting sun paints everything golden honey before it sinks into its watery grave...

There have been so many beautiful moments in my life. I wonder, how many of these moments I have missed dwelling on sadness, anger, pain, and "what could have beens."

As time goes on, I become more aware (or, to be more accurate, I've been reminded) of my own mortality... much like that cool gust of wind before the rain, it fills me with hope... and sadness, simultaneously.

Hopeful - that my beliefs will be validated and that there really is more to come... an end perhaps to a desert-like existence (in comparison to what will be, anyway), and the beginning of a new life more akin to that snapshot in the back of our minds of that ideal existence we constantly compare our current life to.

Sadness, though, because at some point, I fell in love with this ugly-beautiful life I awkwardly and clumsily stumbled through. There were just enough "breaths of heaven" along the way to keep me going, and now that I'm actually at the pinnacle or plateau, I would love the time to just sit and enjoy the view for a little while longer.

Whether it is time for me to "descend into the valley" to welcome the rain will be determined relatively soon...

But for now, my soul is filled with:

the sounds of my children's laughter...

the happy memories with my family...

the companionship of my friends...

the love and trust of a good man...

and an opportunity in each new day - another chance to convince myself - that maybe, just maybe, my life may have been important for something... maybe even someone. Another chance to paint something golden...

Love. Always.

Elle

The Twins Are Here!

2009-08-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

After 38 weeks, Carlos and Alisha are finally here!

Alisha (left) and Carlos (right)

Carlos (left) and Alisha (right) with sisters, Alexa and Liekeila'akata (in pink)

Welcome to the world, my angels.

Love Always,

Mommy

Can't Sleep

2009-06-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

I look at the clock on the laptop. It's 1:42 a.m.
Dangit, I can't sleep. A million things go through my head. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm disgusted.
When does this end? Does it end? I'm tired of being afraid. Afraid that I'm going to get a call someday soon. "There was an accident. Alcohol was involved..."

It's a beverage. When was the last time someone drank a case of cokes in one sitting? Seriously? Half a case? A six pack? Three cans in less than twenty minutes? Granted, people go through their phases, I sure have. But, how many years has it been now? You don't understand why I'm angry? Why I'm sad? Why I'm disgusted? Seriously? You still don't get it? People actually care about you, people actually worry about you, watch you silently and observe.
I don't want them to think it's normal. I don't want them to be around it. It's too important to me that they learn from our mistakes now than for me to be sitting around 5 to 10 years from now at 1:42 a.m. only to finally get that dreaded call, only it won't be about you anymore...

"There was an accident. Alcohol was involved..."

Why?

2009-06-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

Why do we care about those who don't?
Why do we pray for those who won't?

Why have desire and not the means?
Why the pain (without end it seems)?

And why can't Evil just let us be?
Why have a God you cannot see?

Why have life when we're doomed to die?
Why aren't there answers when I ask why?

In The Blood

2009-06-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

I stole this picture from my cousin (or is it auntie, Mariena?). It is a picture of my island, Lukunor (now called "Lekinioch"). The name of this place is Apiniwou (the southern most tip of our island). It's one of the nicest spots on our island. Brother Jim owns a piece of land here (I'm sooo jealous!) right next to the water and it is beautiful! I remember when we were younger, Jim once said that if he built a house there, he would add a swing on his porch and when you swing out, you can jump right into the water! I hope he does because I think that's just about the coolest thing in the world!
As you can see, the water is very clear and the ocean floor drops very quickly, so it is not unusual to see sharks or deep sea animals within a few feet from the shore. And no, that's not scary, it's beautiful - they don't bother you if you don't bother them. It is everybody's favorite place to picnic and swim. This particular part of the island holds many memories for me...

I can't tell you about the time I could have been arrested and tied to a pole for breaking a cultural restriction (that's what they told me would happen if I'd been caught), but I CAN tell you about the one time I ignored cultural superstitions and norms of a lesser caliber...

I was probably twelve years old at the time. I knew the rules, the cultural taboos, but when brother Ben came home with a pail brimming with fish, I couldn't contain my excitement! Thirteen years old and armed with a fishing pole, Ben had gone to the far end of our little island by himself and returned something more of a hero than he already was...with a pail full of proof that he was just as capable as any man of providing for his family. Our aunt was proud, to say the least, excitedly and loudly going on and on about Ben's accomplishments, and reprimanding the other boys who were just getting up. Everybody thought it was funny, especially because all the attention seemed to make Ben uncomfortable.

Adventure already swimming in my head, I asked him to tell me about it. He said it was no big deal, he just picked up his pole, walked to the end of the island before the sun rose, and tossed out his line, caught a bunch of fish and returned home. To him, it was just another day, to me, it was a freedom I never really had, but wanted badly. What was it like to open the door and walk out without having to ask permission or have to ask someone to go with you? What was it like to walk, unafraid and unchallenged in the cloak of darkness? What was it like to decide to do something, and then just do it without the fear of retribution or anger? I didn't know. I wanted to walk to the end of the island and cast a line! I wanted to experience the excitement of hooking a fish on the other end of the line!

I silently invoked my American-ness, telling myself that Ben (having just come back from the United States for summer vacation) would be more lenient with me. Afraid my aunt or anyone else would hear me, I asked Ben if I could come the next time he went. He nonchalantly agreed, but warned me I had to get up early and we had to get there before the sun came up or the fish wouldn't bite. I was beyond excited and vowed I wouldn't slow him down.

In the wee hours of the morning, Ben was knocking on my window, hurrying me. I had never been a morning person and groggily tried to get ready as quickly as possible. When we headed out, he was already complaining that we were already behind schedule. The end of the island really wasn't that far from our house, maybe a half a mile or so, if that, but in the darkness of predawn, my ankle length skirt and rubber flip flops were no match for the sharp rocks and the uneven sand. The sky lightened as I tried to keep up with my brother. I could see him ahead in the distance, pausing occasionally to look back to see where I was. I could tell he was torn between getting to the fishing spot in time and waiting for me. I wanted to call out to him that he shouldn't wait and that I'd get there when I got there, but he was too far ahead and my voice couldn't carry that far anyway. After rescuing my slipper several times from the hungry sand, we finally made it to the end, but the sun was already too high. My poor brother didn't catch anything that day.

When we got home, I was reminded why women (or any females) were not allowed to tag along with men especially when they were fishing - we were bad luck. My aunt shook her head at me and reminded me gently that that was not "our place." I apologized to my brother and of course he told me good-naturedly that it was no problem, but I never asked to go with him again. Needless to say, my brother was able to catch more fish when I wasn't with him! LOL. I still haven't given up on that adventure though. I think one day I will go back home and try again... this time, I will try to get up earlier and I will be the one doing the fishing ;-D. I just won't tell anybody about it...

Stubborn-ness and unwavering love of home... it's in the blood, I guess.

Always.

Elle

Age of Innocence

2009-06-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I am forever suprised by the youngest of Elle's Angels. She's 3 years old and can talk your ear off if you let her. Whether you understand her completely is another story. This girl can speak English and Chuukese fluently as well as a smattering of Tagalog (I asked the housekeeper to teach her) and Spanish (thanks to Dora the Explorer). Aside from that, she apparently has developed her own vocabulary and has her own made up words to describe things she hasn't formally learned yet.

And get any music around her and she'll crunk like no big deal. The other night, we went to dinner and somebody put some music on the jukebox. Oh, man. You shoulda seen her - I swear she was doing some dance combination I have never seen before. A combination of crunking, hiphop, Tahitian dancing, and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. I don't think there's a name for it. It didn't matter that there were a million other patrons in the place. My reaction? Definitely mixed. To say the least I was surprised, shocked, stumped, and absolutely at a loss for words. At the same time, I couldn't help laughing! It really was a sight to see. I DON'T know where she learned it, my guess is she's been watching too much television while I'm at work and the rest I can attribute to the painful innocence and unwavering self-confidence that only a 3 year old could have.

Baby girl has a great imagination and spends a great deal of her time talking to her toys and making up stories. She does say the darndest things. Some examples:

1. "Once upon da time, der was tree bears..." She fake reads her Goldilocks book. "Mommy is dis a bear? Dis is not d bear because (so and so) drinks da bears!"

2. "Can you buy me a skateboard, a lelly-pop (lollipop), a bike, a airplane, my boat, Dora game, buh-nuk-i-nurs (binoculars), eliscope (telescope) and a look-a-lellee (Ukulele)?" And this is the shorter list of things she wants.

And my favorite:

3. "Mommy, I love you AND I like you!" She says in a surprised voice.

That Time of Year

2009-05-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yep. We're back to that time of year again. It's my birthday and I'm OLDER, but, I just don't know if I'm WISER. I'd like to think I am, but... (no comment)!

I remember as a child, I would wait excitedly for my birthday. Presents, cake... presents!

Also, my birthday signified something totally important to me. It was the day, I was no longer "THE YOUNGEST" of nine children! If you're the youngest among your siblings, you know that being the youngest (when you are still a child) is not so cool. I admit it's kind of cool now that we're older (it's kinda fun to tell my brothers they will always be OLDer), but back in the day, being the youngest was really no fun. If I fought with my brother, I was always reprimanded and told I should respect my elders - even if he was BARELY a year older than I was! That's right, BARELY. My brother, Ben is 4 days shy of being a complete year older than I am. So on my birthday, he and I are technically the same age (hence I am not younger) until his birthday rolls around, 4 days later.

To be fair, I know I got away with a lot of things BECAUSE I am the youngest. As a matter of fact, Brother Ben could probably regale you with a billion anecdotes of all the falls he took for me BECAUSE I was the youngest ("and a GIRL!"). I will admit that he took the blame when I left the mosquito coil on my wooden closet that my father built for me and nearly burnt the house down. To my defense, I would just like to say that when my father called us both into the living room, Dad didn't ask ME if I did it, he just assumed Ben was trying to kill me (because apparently, that was more believeable than it was to believe that I had left it there)! If Ben didn't exactly have a motive before that, he might have developed one after that particular incident... especially since I didn't fess up (I pleaded the FIFTH, people! Totally legal!). Nope. I never did tell my dad I had left the burning coil in my room (um, my bad!).

However, I will NOT admit to permanently scarring Ben's head! ALLEGEDLY, I kicked him or pushed him off the bunk bed or something, an incident, for the record, that I do NOT recollect. I mean, even if I DID do that, it was totally an accident and besides, I think I was like, three years old or something! Isn't there like a saying? Oh, yeah "Innocent as a babe," I believe it is. Hehehe!

Anyway, as far back as I can remember, I used to try and figure out how I felt about being older. When I turned 10, I remember thinking to myself, "I was nine yesterday, and now I'm ten - how is this different?" It didn't feel different, but I told myself it HAD to be.

I still do something like this on my birthday, but it's more like, "Ok, it's been a year since my last birthday, what have I accomplished since then?" More often than not, despite whatever progress I might have made, my mind will fixate on ONE thing that I DIDN'T do right. On my 30th birthday, I received a letter from my family back home telling me about how the rising sea level had destroyed most of my people's food sources. I was so upset with myself that I was not in a place to do more for them. My brother, Jim, noticed my sadness and asked if getting older was getting me down. Nope. I'm not bothered about getting older at all. I really don't care if I get wrinkles or gray hair or any of that stuff - those are all just the facts of life. What I AM worried about is, wasting my life and having nothing to show for it. Two years later and I've come to the conclusion that I will never be "in that place" to help my family back home because I have such high expectations of what I need to do for them, that I've come to realize that I can't accomplish that AND raise my kids properly, AND maintain my job, AND maintain my sanity. Don't get me wrong, I will still always want to help them. I just need to set more reasonable (and REALISTIC) goals for myself. So here's to setting new goals and (hopefully) another full year to get my butt in gear to do what I need to do before my next self-evaluation!
Have a great day, y'all.
Always.
Elle

Randomness

2009-03-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

Signs of the times?

Got the following "Forward" in my email today. After I read it, I had to check and make sure it really was from my mom! I would have expected something like this from my brother Luc, hehe! I guess that's what made it even funnier!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Horrible! LMAO!

Self Reflection

2009-03-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: first by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter."

- Confucius

For whatever reason, I've been doing a great deal of self-reflection these days. It made me wonder what other people have learned about themselves, either accidentally, or on a more premeditated path to self-discovery. I've figured out some things about myself that range from inane to insane.

Here are some things I've learned about myself:

1. When I make peanut and butter sandwiches, the order in which I do it, and the manner in which I do it, must always be the same. After toasting the bread, I add a thin layer of butter to both slices, then peanut butter to both slices, but then, I only put jelly on one slice before I put the sandwich together. Always in that order and for no logical reason other than: "That's the way it must be."

2. I hate public restrooms. Not only are they dirty, whenever I push open a stall, I have an irrational flash of fear that someone on the other side may have forgotten to lock it.

3. Weddings are... bittersweet. I love it when happy couples get married, and I love to look at the dresses, the flowers, and the planning that goes into it. But weddings make me sad...and just a tad bit jealous.

4. I hate what alcohol or drugs can do to people. The physical scars may heal, but the other scars are there for life.

5. I'm afraid of a lot of things. Snakes, ticks, scorpions, tsunamis, and geckos falling on me. But my worst fears include: death of a loved one, failing my kids as a parent, and... abandonment.

6. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

7. But I'm also learning... I'm not as weak as I thought I was, either.

I know. None of these things are overtly profound or even original, but they are a collection of... me. Knowing what I like and don't like, what I am capable of and what I'm not capable of, will hopefully allow me to take a direction that will prevent me from setting myself up for disappointment. At least... that's what I tell myself ;-).

Always,

Elle.

Lucky

2009-03-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

Lucky
by Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat
Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every
to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Expecting the Unexpected

2009-03-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever told you "It'll happen when you least expect it"?

Now I know it's true! He's great. Actually, he's more than great. He's everything I ever wanted... and more. It's kind of funny that I had just declared to the world that I was done with all that.
Disillusioned, disgusted, and disappointed - I was D-O-N-E.
Then he comes along in the most unexpected way, at the most unexpected place, under the most unexpected circumstances. And I was U-N-D-O-N-E.
LOL.

So, what else do I have to be happy about these days?

See if you can guess...

I'll keep you posted ;-).
Love. Always.
Elle

The Best of the Best

2009-02-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

This last week, I've had the pleasure of being in the company of some of the greatest people in Micronesia! My childhood friend, Jimbo Alafanso called me up and said he was in town for the ELDP workshop and they would be kicking it off with (what else?) a barbecue at my favorite beach (the one right behind Aquarius Beach Tower)!

With him were some very interesting people! What I found particularly interesting was that a good number of the selected group were all Xavier Alumni. Jimbo of course (we were in the same class), James Myazoe (a senior when I was a freshman), and Rhinehart Silas (a junior when I was a freshman), and the coolest guy of all (sorry, guys!) was Carl Apis - also a Xavierite!

Just so you all know, the ELDP stands for Executive Leadership Development Program, and out of the thousands (if I'm not mistaken) who applied, a mere 20 or so were selected to be in this program.

Ok, so they were ALL actually super cool! I just have a soft spot for Carl because he's married to a half-Mortlockese (which automatically makes him cool in my book). Half-Mortlockese women rock if I do say so myself. Hehehe! Kidding. Carl seems to be genuinely concerned about the fate of our islands, and has such a peaceful and thoughtful aura around him, you can't help but want to keep chatting with him. I admit, I spent most of the time talking to him and loved everything he had to say. I definitely learned a great deal just listening to him talk.

Jimbo Alafanso I've known since we were probably about knee high - ok, so technically, I can't remember that far back, but suffice it to say, I've known him and his family since pretty much forever. There was no shocker when I arrived at the barbecue and learned that there was already a plan to send the media in Jimbo's direction on the first day of classes! I also understood that he was pegged by his teammates to do one of the presentations for his team on Friday. That's Jimbo - he is definitely not the shy type. Gotta love him!

James Myazoe I hadn't seen since he left Chuuk about 18 years ago. The last time I saw him, I didn't even realize he was leaving. Actually, if I remember correctly, I asked him specifically if he was leaving, and he shook his head shyly with a smile, then at the very last moment, walked out of the terminal. That's the James I knew. Never one to want to attract undue attention, he nonetheless is focused on his priorities - as a matter of fact, we didn't get to see him as much on this trip as he fulfilled his obligations by visiting family members when he wasn't in class. Always the quiet one, when I did get a chance to hear him speak, I caught a few snippets of his life since I last saw him. I was still amazed (but not surprised) at what he has accomplished and experienced since then. I only wish I was able to chat with him more, but alas, family first.

Rhinehart Silas I hadn't seen either for the last 18 years or so. He was such a gentleman at the beach and was always very polite. He was a bit on the quiet side too and unfortunately, I was not able to chat with him too much (maybe because I was too busy talking to Carl)! I didn't even recognize him when I first saw him at the beach and he has changed a lot since I had last seen him.

Ok, so there were non-xavierites there as well! There was Inson from Chuuk. He's married to the very beautiful and talented Jaime (whom I remember from my SDA elementary days). He is also from the island of Uman, so of course, I had to tell an Uman joke - hehe! Sorry, Inson! He was a great sport though. I thought it was really sweet how he wanted to ask if he could leave a little earlier than planned so he could meet up with his beautiful wife... awww! You get double points in my book for that!

Then there was Brian from Yap! Oh, man, he was the greatest! He was just this funny guy who always looked serious so I was always tilting my head with my eyes narrowed when he would say something suspiciously funny. He did not crack a smile though! At least not until everybody else started laughing, anyway. Haha!

There was another guy - I believe from the Marshalls, but I kept messing up his name. I think it was Kanistus or something like that. Man, my bad. I barely had a chance to chat with him, so that's why I can't remember his name - but you know what? I remember what he looks like and the next time I see these guys again, I'm gonna make sure I talk to him! That's if he doesn't ignore me because I forgot his name! Man, I'm really sorry, my Marshallese brother.

Oh! I actually met Mike Ada as well at the first barbecue. He was really cool to chat with and was really interested in hearing about how he came to work for Commerce here. Very cool guy! I hope we have more young people like him in our government!

Ok, the one guy who wasn't there was Ryan! RYAN! I heard he was halfway here when he got called back to D.C. by the big bosses. Man! Next time, turn your cell phone off! Haha! Just kidding. Next time buddy!

I must say... these guys have renewed my faith in our island governments. My Micronesia is in good hands.

Always.
Elle

Life's Too Short

2008-12-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it takes something, something dramatic - maybe even drastic, to make you realize that there just might be something to those daggone cliche's after all.
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"Life's too short."
"Live life to the fullest."
"In the end, none of it is gonna matter anyway."
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We've all heard them - or another version of the same thing. We go about nodding our heads, "Yep, yep. So true. So true." Yet when does it actually hit home? When does it become "real" for us?
When do we actually come face to face with our mortality and accept that we will not live forever?
I never thought I'd live to be thirty, I'll tell you that now. The fact that I'm thirty-one is amazing to me. Not long ago, being thirty-something was synonymous with old-something, and I might as well just start digging my grave at twenty-nine. Hehe! Yeah, I still feel old, but only when people ask me how old I am. I don't feel like I'm old-something yet. Check back with me when I'm in my forty-somethings - I'll probably tell you to check back with in the next decade... if I live that long ;-D.
A couple of weeks ago, I faced my fears. I guess I'm really NOT invincible. Who is? But, you know what? Life's too short. All we can do, is live life to the fullest. Because in the end, none of it is gonna matter anyway.

Love.
Always.
Elle

Plan B

2008-11-30T14:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard people say, history repeats itself? Well, the same is true for Her-Story.

I hear it all the time. It's the same story. You may find yourself, or someone you know, in the following:

The young woman who grows up thinking that some guy is going to come along and love her unconditionally and they will live happily ever after...

The woman who has spent her entire adult life taking care of her family just to find out he has been lying for years, and has had other women that everybody knew about except for her...

The single mother who has to rearrange her budget or take on extra work just so she can take care of her kids' needs because their father is too busy drinking his paycheck and he refuses to pay child support out of spite...

The gentle heart becomes full of anger and maybe even hate, until one day, she can't recognize herself anymore.

Yeah, I'm in there somewhere. At least I used to be... But not anymore.

Things have changed. I've grown up.

I've come to realize that females, because of their very nature, are vulnerable and susceptible to abuse and mistreatment because of the very fact that they are emotional creatures.

Love becomes twisted into something to be ashamed of.

Loyalty becomes the weapon of your own demise.
(Women, you do know what I'm talking about, right? Unless of course, you're one of the lucky ones - God bless you.)

It wasn't meant to be that way, and you know it. When did love become just another 4-letter word that you can not utter in public? It's funny isn't it? How even my students might have no problem saying "I hate you" to each other, yet become very uncomfortable when they hear the L-word. Wow. That's all I can say.

Wow.

I'm not a man hater. But I do hate users and abusers. They come in both genders. But even more than that, I hate learned helplessness. I hate when people allow someone to continue to use or abuse them... over and over again.

I think the Cinderella story we were told as young girls was a great disservice to many women. This is why I won't tell it to my girls. The concept that a Price Charming will come out of the forest one day and take care of you in his castle, I think, is disabling.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely believe in love. I do believe that people can fall in love and live happily ever after with "the one." I honestly do. What I don't agree with is the mentality that some females have that all they have to do is sit back and wait until the "one" comes along and he will take care of her and love her until their dying days... and all she has to do is look pretty. Are you kidding me? I definitely have a problem with that.

I get frustrated with females who boast about how much their man is spending on them as if the amount of money he spends is equivalent to her worth. We are selling ourselves short.

Someone once told me (when I was rather young) that "You have to take care of you, because nobody is gonna do it for you." Thanks, T. I love you for that.

In other words, you are your biggest investment. But don't invest in yourself for the sake of getting a man or life partner. Invest in yourself because you are worthy of becoming a self-sufficient, independent strong woman...or man. If your greatest asset is your looks, then you need to expand and diversify, or you are going to be sorely disappointed in life. Finish school. Get your degree. Hang on to your job. Try new things. Pursue your interests and fine tune your talents. Continue to learn anything and everything because you never know when it's gonna come in handy. Trust me. It will come in handy.

You hear it all the time. Women who fall in love with the men they think they will always be there. She molds herself to cater to her man's every single need, purposefully neglecting herself with the notion that as long as she is the perfect woman for him, he will always love her and take care of her. I'm no hater, but come on now. Let's be real. If it happens that way, that's great. I am happy for her. But what if it doesn't? There has to be a Plan B.

Many women don't have a Plan B. More often than not, people (especially women) only need a financial plan that will free them from the rut they are stuck in. Once they are free financially, the emotional dependence is easier to sever.

So I'd like to share what I've learned. Here's my Plan B (a.k.a. financial plan to help me stay independent and drama-free). Basically it's all about self-control. I've researched many financial books and websites and the formula I've come up with is simpler and actually almost aligns with what the experts teach you. I taught my oldest 11 year old son and 8 year old daughter this formula in it's simplest form so it would be easy for them to do it in their heads - I've already explained to them how important it is for them to be able to take care of themselves and they don't have to wait until they are my age to start on their Plan B. I never want them to go through what I had to go through. Anyway, the simple formula I created for them is what I'm going to share with you. Ready?

1. First, divide all your money in half.
It doesn't matter if it's one dollar or one hundred dollars, you have to always do this.
Half of your money is for "Spending", the other half is for "Saving." What this will do initially is force you to look at money a different way. You are not allowed to spend money that you haven't designated for that specific purpose.

2. Divide in half again.
Now that you have your "Spending" money and "Saving" money, you will need to divide in half again.

Your "Spending" money will be divided into 2 categories: "Needs" and "Wants."
Movies, toys, eating out, a new T.V. and things of that nature are all to be bought using only the "Wants" money.
All your living expenses should be paid using only the "Needs" money. If you cannot do this, you should really consider finding alternative and creative ways meet your needs, because your are living way beyond your means. I know it's easier said than done. But I've actually done this so I know it can be done, even on this island. I had the desire to be get things under control, and I wasn't able to do it in one day, but diligence and creativity does pay off.

Some suggestions to help you meet your needs:

-Grow your own vegetables. My dad is really good at this and my kids love bananas so my dad always gives us bunches of bananas that would cost an arm and a leg in the store for the imported ones. The locally grown stuff tastes better anyway. If I have to buy veggies, I prefer buying from the local farmers. Yams, breadfruits, potatoes are cheap to free depending on where you get it and a healthier alternative to the $30+ bags of rice.

-No airconditioning. And if you must, then only when you are about to sleep and HAVE to be in the house. This forced me to take my kids to the playgrounds and beaches everyday which is even better because of the health aspects.

- Buy clothes online. Much cheaper and better quality than getting things here. Sometimes my mom or brother buys clothes for my kids on their trips to the mainland which is super cool.

-Sell off stuff you don't need. I hate clutter in the house anyway. I have a friend who sells off her stuff after she uses them for a while. She's one of those "trendy" people, so it supports her lifestyle to sell "old" equipment before she buys the new.

-Buy used cars instead of new ones. New cars are never worth the money you spend on them - trust me. They depreciate so quickly - as soon as you drive a brand new car out of the dealer parking lot, they lose almost half of their worth. That's just crazy! Take it from the idiot that bought 2 brand new cars and is now driving a used car. Used cars rock!

-Take on extra hours or another job. Most people have a talent that they could turn into a supplemental check if they planned it well. I have lots of ideas on this point, but I won't expound in this post in the interest of time...

Your "Savings" money will be divided into 2 categories too: "Emergencies" and "Dreams."

Be Emergency Ready. Set aside money every chance you get until you have 3-6 months of your pay in an easily accessible account - a savings account with an ATM works for me. This money is for emergencies only though - you'll have to practice self-control on this one. Emergencies are things you could not have anticipated ahead of time - like a trip to the E.R. and medications. I'm sorry, gas for your car does not qualify as an emergency. That should be budgeted into your normal spending money.

Dreams are things you want to be able to do or buy in the future. Long term investments. A trip to Italy. A home. Living self-sufficiently after a certain age - or TRUE RETIREMENT. Experts say you should set aside about 15% of your gross income in order to be financially stable in your retirement years, but I'm thinking 25% is a better number especially because of inflation and my personal preference to enjoy life to the fullest when I retire. So this money goes into retirement accounts, 401 accounts, Roth IRA, certificates of deposits , stocks and bonds, etc, that are designed to earn higher interest over longer periods of time.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Pretty simple formula - the hard part is sticking to it. My kids have little envelopes and jars that they have labeled as I have suggested. I have separate accounts for mine. However you choose to do it, it has to work for you, because it is so easy to be tempted to dip into or mix it up. My philosophy is if I cheat, I'm only cheating myself and my kids. And why the heck would I want to do that?

Love. Always.
Elle

Moment of Inspiration

2008-11-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

YOUNG JEEZY - My president is black (feat Nas)
Uploaded by henrifonda

Remarks of President-Elect Barack Obama-as prepared for deliveryElection Night

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
Chicago, Illinois

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference. It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day. It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you. I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor’s bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends, though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:Yes We Can.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

Free Fall

2008-11-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

SUICIDE CLIFF, SAIPAN

I went to Suicide Cliff and Banzai Cliff on the northern side of the island again for the first time in a long time. I love that place. The history, the views, and this particular time... the company.

Overlooking the pounding surf off of Banzai and the dizzying heights off of Suicide, I contemplated what it must have felt like for the people during the war to take the final leap in their final hours of quiet desperation. I don't think I could ever do it. Not even with a gun to my head.

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I am afraid of heights. So much so, in fact, that I got lightheaded just looking down off the two cliffs. I didn't used to be that sensitive to heights.

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At one point in my younger life, I wanted to become a pilot. I dreamt of flying. Literally. I used to dream of actually flying - without the plane, that is. It was the best dream.

What was it like? It was a lot like like treading and swimming in deep water. I guess that's the closest thing this island girl can compare it to. Swimming. But in the sky, of course. And needless to say, there's no water to hold you up :-).

It was an awesome sense of freedom. I liked that dream so much, I told myself that I would try it out in the real world one day as soon as I was old enough... by skydiving.

Fast forward to today, and you couldn't PAY me enough money to jump out of a plane! I don't know what has happened to me. I'll use the age old excuse of "I must be getting old." It's actually more than that, I think. It's all about fear and control (or lack of it).

And of course, I have more of an appreciation of human mortality - mine, specifically.

I used to love riding planes! Now a plane trip to Guam has me gripping the armrests exhaling a few speedy (and repeated) pledges to the Big Man. Bargaining mostly.

"God, if you just let me get through this flight safely, I promise..."

Pretty embarrassing, actually. Haha! But seriously, I mostly worry about my kids and what would happen to them if something happened to me. I can't leave them motherless. They are just way too young...

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That lack of control freaks me out. I have to put my life in the hands of a pilot I've never even met. What if he came hungover to work that day? It all boils down to one thing. Trust. The older I get, the less I am able to do it. It's not that I don't want to. I do. It's just... well, you know. We've all been burned for doing that at one point or another in our lives, haven't we? Some more than others.

Why am I even talking about this? I guess this is my roundabout way of expressing what's going on with me. Yes, emotionally. I have a hard time sometimes saying what I'm feeling because... well you know.

For the first time, I understand why they call it what they do. It feels a lot like free falling...
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Metaphorically speaking, I stand at the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley. It's beauty unparalleled, untouched. I am tired of the dried brush, the dusty air that is suffocating my very existence. The valley beckons. I edge just a little bit closer to peer down. "One day I will be there." I tell myself, almost believing. The heat is unbearable, my thirst is unquenchable. I edge a little closer. There is only one way to get there. If I make it...I'm afraid to even let myself finish that sentence. To even dare to think of such a possibility seems like I am merely setting myself up for a big disappointment. What if I don't make it? The pain would be unbearable... Maybe I should stay here? At least it won't hurt as bad. But what if I do make it? The thought makes me move just a little closer to the edge ...and closer still. A single word reverberates in my head. "Trust."

Before I know it, I am in free fall.

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What the...?!

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My body tenses instinctively and I reach out trying to grab anything to save myself - terrified of the pain that is to come. Too late. There is nothing there to stop my fall. I resign myself to my fate. Let go of the need to control, to protect...but most especially, let go of the fear of getting hurt. Because when you fall, there's nothing else you can do but... trust.
.

I definitely wasn't looking for this. Absolutely wasn't expecting it. So needless to say, it's got me completely thrown. I got caught with my guard down, for once. And maybe that has made all the difference. I guess that's what makes it kind of scary. Now what do I do?

One thing I have been able to count on is that everything happens for a reason and all I have to do is trust.

I do believe.

God is with us, after all.

The Inner Child

2008-10-16T00:32:00.001-07:00

Heck YEAH! Guess what?! I PLAYED IN THE RAIN! WOOHOO!

You know that song? I can only remember this part... "I wanna know! Have you ever seen rain? Coming down on sunny day?" Well, I've been singing it wrong (uhh, totally on purpose, of course!) since yesterday afternoon when I had to do afterschool supervision and Miss Kathy was sooooo "nice," she gave me her little "skinny person" umbrella so I could be out there with my third grade team under the pouring rain while the rest of the slackers... I mean, STAFF! ...assisted us from the cozy and DRY shelter!

Hah! But guess who the Big Boss excused from the staff meeting? Certainly not the nice and helpful (and DRY) second grade teachers! HAHA! Miss Kathy tried to get excused, but it SO did not fly! I don't know why that's so funny to me! Hahaha! Kimmee's rubbing off on me, I think. You know I love you K-Dawg! Just messin' with you, girl! Thanks for the umbrella, by the way. Keep it, and the next time we go to "H-Squared", we can put it in your Pina Colada or something! Hehe!

"I wanna know! Have you ever seen the rain? Coming down on a rainy day!"

Heck yeah! I really didn't get soaked on purpose... juz so you know, people, I didn't think that far ahead - wish I could take credit for it though! That's some genius thinking (if I had thought it, of course)! It was a total and complete accident! Well, at least I had the common sense to kick off my heels for my polka dotted flip-flops before heading to supervision! I was soo stylin' too! Haha! Kimmee, poor thing, didn't even change her Taupe Princess Jazmin Thong Slippers (they matched her sparkly top, by the way) before wading into the San Vicente River! Drowning her Frenched toesies in that muddy deluge was a daggone shame, too! Kinda hurt my heart to see that! I am soooo glad I didn't get a pedicure yet!

But, darn it, I had so much fun! Why don't we (so-called adults) play in the rain anymore, anyway? Our generation is notorious for not wanting to grow up as it is, why stop at eating cereal for every meal? Or coloring the kids' coloring books when they're not looking? Or watching cartoons when nobody's home? Why not go all the way and play in the rain, too?

Oops. I mean...Uhh... "hypothetically speaking," that is. I don't know anyone who actually does those things... I'm just saying. You know. I've heard people still do stuff like that...

Yeah, whatever! You do it, too! Don't lie! Cereal is AWESOME ANY time of day AND Spongebob ROCKS! Yeah, ok, stealing a page out of the kids' coloring book is not THAT crazy, either! It's mind-numbing and relaxing after a long day of ... THINKING! I don't have a bathtub at the house I'm renting right now, and massages and facials get expensive after a while. Children's coloring books are a great (and affordable) alternative! Isn't that why we buy them for our kids anyway? They're cheap... and it keeps them quiet and occupied for a little while, at least. Works on big kids... I mean, adults, too!

OK. I'm done incriminating myself.

Hope y'all have a great Friday tomorrow! OH, and do yourselves a favor...

Keep the inner child alive! IT'S THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO FOR YOURSELF.

Love. Always.

Elle

Relax, Miss Rayphand!

2008-10-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

Man oh man, it's been a while. I tell you, I was so excited to get this year started...

My students are SO awesome! I love my job... seriously, how many of us actually get a million hugs a day at work? Or sweet letters secretly left on your desk at the end of the day with beautiful pictures telling you how much you are appreciated? Or random jokes in the lunch line?
*************************************************************************************
"Miss Rayphand. Will you remember me when I go to fourth grade?" A very serious boy asks me.
"Of course, silly! What kind of question is that?" I'm mentally flipping the notes in my head about this boy. What in the world would prompt him to ask me this? Quickly I make a list of possibilities... inattentive parents, recent passing of a close relative, fear of death, possible deployment of a relative... oh, man, did I forget to give him a sticker for his reading partnership?!
"So...you'll never forget me?" He asks hesitantly. Darnit! I did or said something to hurt his feelings! He's probably scarred for life!!!
"Never, buddy. I'll always remember you." I reassure him, anxious for him to know he can count on me.
He smiles suddenly. A huge, albeit shy, smile. To my relief he seems ready to redirect the conversation in a more positive direction.
"Knock, knock." He says.
"Who's there?" I play along, wanting to foster his sense of humor during these hard times.
"Miss Rayphand! You just lied to me! You said you'd never forget me and you're already asking me who I am!" Guffaws of laughter.
Funny little guy...

Bad@$$ Pictures!

2008-08-22T08:09:00.001-07:00

Some of you may have received a text from me sometime last week saying:

"I've got a new badass number for my new badass phone!"

In case you missed that, I'm here to expound on the badass-ness of my new phone!

I've selected just a few of my favorite images that I was able to capture with my new gadget to share with y' all!

Enjoy!

SAIPAN THURSDAY STREET MARKET

8.21.08

Korean Dancer at Saipan Thursday Street Market

I love the detail in this one. Feathers and painted flowers on the fans, the embroidery and embellishments on her shirt, and the dainty white shoe peeking out from under her long pleated skirt.

I like to pretend this is the cover of a National Geographic Magazine or Mermaid Magazine. Okay, I made that up - I've never heard of a Mermaid Magazine, but the neon sign in the background looks an awful lot like a magazine name, don't you think? Hah! I wish!

Love the movement in this one - and the colors. That girl in the back really draws my eyes back there. The scene makes me think of twirling tops.

This lady has a great face! I'm also loving the body posture in this one. If you follow the natural curve starting from the sign, it looks like a big question mark and the little boy's head is the dot on the bottom. Don't ask me how I saw that. I really don't know.

This one reminds me of hummingbirds! Or maybe even angels? Do you see it?

SPEAKING OF ANGELS...

Here's the littlest of Elle's Angels perfecting her artistic talents... on my floor, no less. She doesn't realize I just entered the room at this point.

"Ahem! Kata? What are you doing to my floor?"

Startled at my voice, she glances up in time to see the camera in my hand - and what does she do? She strikes a pose, of course. Isn't that what all criminals do when they get caught red-handed? In case you're wondering about that stuff all over her mouth and face, this busy little bee also managed to get into mommy's lipstick...again. Grrr...!

And then of course - mothers (and fathers), you know what comes next. You see her mouth forming those words, don't you? And her hand is working over time as if to add credibility to her story with each gesture. The other hand. The one not still holding the incriminating evidence. "I didn't do it!" She says in an oh-so-sweet singsong voice staring at me with big innocent eyes. "Hunter did it!"

Sorry, baby girl. I sentence you to two minutes of hard time. Next time, sweetie, you might want to ditch the murder weapon when you're trying to pin it on the other usual suspect... Hehe!

Rain!

2008-08-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's raining.

I love the rain!

My mom and my brother, Ben, think I'm weird because of this. Ben always says, "You're so depressing!" if I happen to mention how awesome the rain is. I find it strange that they think I am strange when I say I love the rain!

When I was growing up in Chuuk, we loved to play in the rain! It was a relief from the sun, especially when we had to do chores. I wilt when the sun blazes, but become energized when it rains. And, no, I don't think that's strange at all. I think it makes perfect sense!

When I was with my parents on the main island of Weno, I admit I didn't do too many chores. Still, most rainy days were spent playing board games with Ben and my mom. Sometimes we played cards - mom always let me (or Ben) win. Ben... never let me win! Didn't stop me from trying though! Yeah, he pretty much always won. He's more of the mathematical mind - great at puzzles, games, and logic. Me... not so much. Hehe!

Rainy days were always fun! Sometimes, it rained so much, the little grove of trees behind my house, which was on lower land, would get flooded, and it would create a pond with the water a good three to four feet in depth. We had a small fiber glass boat my dad had bought for us kids (to take to the beach, obviously). We would take the boat into the grove when the rain would flood it - it was like going into a whole 'nuther world. I had read Bridge to Terabithia as a child, and I likened our grove to the imaginary land of Terabithia. There were these silver fish in the pond, believe it or not. We used to catch them and put them in an aquarium in the living room. Ugly suckers. But worse, were the fresh water eels! Yuck! I accidentally stepped on those things several times, just crossing the little flooded dirt road between my house and my cousin's house next door. Made my skin crawl! I always wondered how they just magically appeared whenever the water came. I imagined that they lived underground during the dry season and that there was an underground stream beneath our property. I was disappointed when the adults told me that the fish and eels were washed down from a stream or pond in the mountains whenever there was excessive rain. Sometimes, the kids would make boats out of soda cans or styrofoam and race them on the road. I always had to ask somebody to make me one. Not too handy with a knife.

When we went to my island (Lukunor) in the Mortlocks (outer islands of Chuuk) during the summers, chores were an everyday expectation. The island is so small and far away from the main island (2 days by ship), that there are no cars, electricity, or most of the modern day appliances.

Summers were incredibly hot! We would cook everything by fire, which of course made things even hotter. We'd gather firewood in the "jungle" (if you can call it that), wash clothes by hand (really not as easy as it looks), and work daily in keeping the home maintained and the food on the table. Oh, yeah, there was no refrigeration, obviously, so food didn't keep very long. So each day was spent doing the same thing over again. Sundays were the only days we didn't work. Sometimes, my cousins and I would sneak to the seawall and jump in the water to cool off - of course, then we'd have extra clothes to wash, so it really did backfire on us most of the time. Not to mention the scolding we would get for running off and abandoning our jobs. Hehe!

Most nights (especially when I would just get there) I would crawl onto my futon - thankful for the softness, yet cursing it's ability to retain body heat. I'd have to choose between the soft (but hot) futon or the cool (but hard) floor. Huh. I guess I HAVE had dilemmas before. Sorry, I digress...

Anyway, I would dread closing my eyes at night, because it was only then that I would feel the burning in my eyes from all the smoke in the cookhouse - I always felt like I was drowning for some reason. It was difficult to breathe. I really don't know why I couldn't feel it when my eyes were open during the day. I mean I would feel the stinging as the smoke would get in my eyes, but I'd be okay when I removed myself from the smoky environment. Later, when I'd close my eyes at night to go to sleep, I would feel the stinging as if I was surrounded by smoke. Always felt worse. Weird. I can't explain it. Maybe my eyes recorded the sensation as it happened, then, in retaliation for putting them through that, they would replay it for me when I was ready to escape into dreamland ... out of spite. Revenge of the eyeballs. Haha! I know. My sense of humor is wack, I'll give you that. But, that's what happens to people who are left to entertain themselves as children. Overactive imaginations!

The rain was a welcome relief. Sometimes, it would save us from doing certain chores. We usually didn't have to go gather firewood when it rained. What would we do with soggy firewood? And although we could wash our clothes in the rain, we sure as heck couldn't dry them. If we kept damp clothes around too long, they would begin to stink and then we'd have to do the whole thing over. Not fun. The chores we couldn't get out of were definitely more tolerable when carried out in the rain as opposed to the sweltering heat! Washing dishes outside by the water tank when it rained, and carrying water from the well or water tank to the cookhouse was much more fun in the rain! I remember the bodyaches! My arms would ache from scrubbing the laundry. My back would hurt from lifting and carrying things and it would worsen with the sleeping situation. But I hated to complain. Felt like a wuss - I never did as much as my sisters (my aunt's daughters), and they sure as heck didn't complain - ever. Oh, but when the mosquitos came... forget it! What a whiner! I HATE mosquitos! Misery on wings.

My aunt who helped raise me (my dad's only sister) always felt sorry for me. She would stay up many a night fanning me to keep me cool and chase the mosquitos away. She was always so apologetic, saying things like "Oh, my girl, if you didn't come to our poor island, you would not suffer so. See? When you come here, you don't get enough food. You work too hard. And now, you are going to get sores from all these mosquitos." Ai, Mama. She has always been so protective of us - even to this day.

Oh, but I loved going there! I loved seeing everybody working together in harmony. I loved how everybody appreciated every little thing we had. I absolutely loved being a contributing member of the family at such a young age... even if it was just a small contribution compared to everybody else.

One of my fondest memories is of when the whole island worked on the path that ran the length of the island. Women and children of all ages were situated either at the beaches or the along the path. The path was filled in with dead coral from the beaches first, then covered with white sand. The path was lined with two rows of larger flat coral on each side, and a hardy bulbous flower (don't know what it's called but looks like a purple tulip) was planted neatly on both sides of the path between the two rows of coral. Everyone had a job to do. The women and children at the beaches would fill the sacks with the coral or sand, the men (and stronger women) would carry the sacks to the path, and the women and children at the path would spread the coral and sand over the path. I remember using my hands to mimic the others in neatly spreading the contents of the sacks on the path. It began to rain, and I looked up to see the long lines of young men quietly and briskly carrying their heavy loads. I looked around and everybody was quietly, contentedly doing their work - much like ants, I would imagine. It was such a beautiful sight. The rain seemed to soften everything like a water color painting. I wish I could capture what I saw and the ambiance of the moment, but unfortunately, my artistic talents are limited. They still maintain that road to this day. And when the moon is full, we don't need flashlights to see - the white sand seems to glow in the moonlight to guide us in the dark.

Some of the best times I had growing up involved the rain. We used to sing in the rain - literally. Work in the rain. Swim in the rain. Play tag in the rain. And at night, we even played hide and seek in the rain!

I don't know why people associate rain with sadness. Rain is beautiful. When it rains, I feel happy, content, secure... and excited with life! I am almost always tempted to play in the rain! Maybe I don't actually act on this urge anymore, but I used to! Who knows. I might still... one of these days!

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

2008-08-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

Got this a while ago and started it, but never finished it until today!

I've been tagged by Boni! So if I tagged you, you are supposed to copy and paste the questions into your blog, answer them, and tag 3 more bloggers. This should be pretty entertaining - I love finding out about other people!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I was named after my dad's mom, Elena, and my mom's mom, Jeanne - yes, my mom has the same name as her mom. Ellen Jeanne - how country can you get? LOL!

2. When WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I almost cried last Friday. But, I compartmentalized those emotions that helped me get over it.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Nope. Now I know why my parents said I should be a doctor.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Shaved Turkey Breast - has the funniest name!

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Heck yeah! I'm awesome! AND MODEST! HEHEHE! Kidding...

6. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Only with close friends.

7. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yep. Tonsillectomies are a crime against humanity!

8. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck no! That's just craziness! Scared of heights!

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Frosted Mini Wheats, Granola.

10. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, I just kick em off. Isn't that why shoes are also called "Kicks?"

11. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes. But only one person knows my Achilles heel.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I prefer frozen yogurt, but I love Rocky Road (with almonds) - after I pick out the marshmallows! I also like mint chocolate chip, and pretty much anything with chocolate fudge and caramel!

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Whether they are kind or not - their eyes, then their smile - tell it all.

14. RED or PINK? Red, definitely! HATE PINK!

15. WHAT IS THE THING THAT YOU LIKE LEAST ABOUT YOURSELF? My BAD LUCK!

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My family.

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Ummm....Why would they? But no. I don't.

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black slacks and black heels.

19. Early riser or hit the snooze button? Early riser.

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Foolish by Shawty Lo.

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, What color would you be?? SILVER! With glitter and sparkles! hehe!

22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Plumeria, the smell of rain, a clean house!

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My boss and Principal - trying to get information for a grant proposal from her.

24. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? She's awesome!

25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? My brothers' football, basketball and lacrosse games!

26. HAIR COLOR? Dark something... with highlights.

27. EYE COLOR ? Dark Brown

28. CONTACTS? Nah. 20/20 vision baby! Better than that actually - I ate my carrots when I was growing up!

29. FAVORITE FOOD? Italian, Chinese, Mexican, and ....dessert!

30. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS ? Happy endings! I believe in them!

31. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? cant say!

32. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black with white print... or is it white with black print...hmmm....???

33. HUGS OR KISSES? BOTH!

34. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake, Chocolate cake!

35. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Kat?

36. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ??? Doesn't matter!

37. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho - thanks Kat!

38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one!

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Can't remember. Fell asleep as soon as I turned it on!

40. FAVORITE Sound? The rain on a tin roof, waves against the shore.

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Gotta say Beatles.

42. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Virginia.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Don't think so...unless acting like a goof is a talent.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Weno, Chuuk...at least that's what it says on my birth certificate - my dad said they found me in a dumpster outside a store though, so... not too sure...Hehehe!

45. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everybody's! But most specifically BEACHCOMBER! Still trying to find out who he is! I do love a good mystery!

Purgatory

2008-07-31T23:26:00.000-07:00

I have been told that I should reconsider my personal preference for silence. I prefer the silence. Especially when it comes to things that hit too close to home. I don't even know if I will post this or not. I thought maybe this would help me, but, unfortunately, it won't help anybody else. So these will probably be the only words I will have on this subject.

My freshman year at Xavier High School was a memorable one for many reasons. I remember the first day of class in that small classroom overlooking the volleyball court below and the grassy field in the distance. I recall the priest (our teacher) talking to us about God and how much He loved us. A question was raised. If He loves us so much, why would he allow us to suffer? Why is there death, disease, and pain in the world? On the board, the priest wrote a single word. "Choices." I will paraphrase what the priest said, and maybe add my personal thoughts to it (so don't blame him if I say something outrageous). But, basically, this is what I got out of it:

God loves us so much, that He is willing to let us make our own decisions. Live our own lives, so to speak. He gave us choices. And He started giving choices with his very first children, Adam and Eve. So when Adam and Eve basically screwed us (humankind) over, He let them suffer the consequences, like any parent would, in order to teach them a lesson. We now live in this world. This world of consequences that came about because of choices that Adam and Eve (and all our other ancestors) have made. But, even though God is trying to be a disciplinarian, God loves us so much, that He gave us the one thing, the one tool, that we would need most to survive this world. The priest wrote up another word on the blackboard. "Willpower." God gave us the ability to exert our will over our actions. He gave us the power to make decisions and the strength to live with the consequences. He gave each and every one of us this willpower.

That freshman year, I made some choices that have impacted my life in ways that I still see today. I still live with the consequences. I stood at a crossroads and walked down a path that apparently does not lead back home... although I can glimpse it from a distance. I wonder sometimes if maybe it is nothing more than a mirage.

Now I stand at another crossroads, but this time, I am not walking down a path. I am merely a bystander. I am here, merely to bid farewell to someone who took a walk down a path I cannot follow.

I took a psychology class once. I remember learning about the 5 stages of grief. Being the Roman Catholic that I am, I liken the process of grieving to what I understand to be purgatory. Ironically, purgatory is supposed to be a place where souls of the dead wait (either to be temporarily punished or to be purified) before they are allowed into Heaven. Fitting, I think.

The first stage is "Denial."

When I first found out, I thought I had misunderstood. I had to run it through several times in my mind and still I couldn't accept it. There was no crying. I felt...nothing. Nothing but a welcome numbness.

The second stage is "Anger."

I felt anger, but only at myself. If only I had done things differently. If only I could turn back time. If only...if only... Famous last words.

The third stage is "Bargaining."

Sleep was...complicated.

I woke up several times throughout the night. "Did it really happen? Please let it be a dream..." As soon as I felt reality starting to set in, I would shut my eyes again. "God, please fix this. It's not right... It's not right. You know it's not right. Only You can fix this..."

Sleep is... good.

I wait in dread for the last two stages.

Stage four is "Depression."

And then, even worse...

Stage five is "Acceptance."

I prefer the numbness.

The Last Line

2008-07-31T03:56:00.000-07:00

I've always liked this prayer...

God grant me the..

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

...Wisdom to know the difference.

What's Most Important

2008-07-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Elle's Angels -

I have but one wish for you...

I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes.

Raven:
You are so handsome (that's NOT a bad thing)!
You are so smart, I can't even keep up with you! You can do anything you put your mind to. Spread your wings and fly, My Raven, and bring light into the world...

Alexa:

You are my Jane-of-All-Trades. There is nothing you cannot do. You never cease to amaze me. You are a tough girl and that's a great thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have a mind of your own and a heart to match. Always be true to yourself, my Princess.

Hunter:

Despite what you say, you are not "just Hunter." You are Ryan Hunter, and you were named after the constellation, Orion the Hunter - the only thing that remained a steady constant throughout my life. And that is exactly what you are. You are destined for great things and I know you will sit among the stars. My little Hunter, my tough guy with a heart of gold who gives the greatest hugs...and kisses (even though you wipe them away when you think I'm not looking)! Don't grow up too fast.

Liekeila'akata:

"The Girl Who Smiles...
...and Breaks Things."

You are loved and wanted by everyone that matters. You truly are "the girl who smiles" and, although you haven't broken anything yet, I believe you will leave some hearts in your wake in the (hopefully very distant) future, my Liekata.

Don't forget what's most important... Love. Always.

Thank you for teaching me that.

I love you. Always.

Mommy

Elle on Earth

2008-07-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

A teacher I once had defined a dilemma as "having to choose between two evils," effectively implying that, at the end of the game, neither choice would leave you very happy. This is not like Robert Frost's poem of The Road Not Taken, where the traveller has to decide which of the two roads to take, because in that poem, both roads, although different, seemed to be equally appealing. A true dilemma would leave you with an unsatisfactory consequence, no matter which "road" you took.

I wouldn't say I have ever really experienced a true dilemma... before today. I find that I can usually get what I want, or at least compromise enough, so that I am happy (or at least satisfied) with the end result. So, obviously, it was somewhat jarring for me to realize today, that I've managed to put myself in a sticky situation. Try as I might, I honestly could not come up with a solution I could be happy with. The worst thing about my whole situation is, there really are only two choices! I'm either in or out. One or the other. No compromise. No third alternative. Not too sure how I got here, but I hear a little voice (figuratively speaking, I'm not REALLY hearing voices!!) in the back of my head chiming "The road to (you know where) is paved with good intentions..."

I imagine a creepy cab driver, a hat tilted over one eye (in the dead of night, I might add), cracking open his passenger door just enough to blow cheap cigar smoke in my face as I try to shield myself from the relentless torrential rain. He grins an eerie grin,
"So, what's it gonna be, lady?"

And yes, I have already been told that I really do have an overactive imagination, but I'm illustrating a point here! What would you do? In? Or out?

Now if that wasn't bad enough, this keeper of words has learned a new word today. Trilemma. That's right. It's a real word. Look the sucker up. I promise you, it exists. And, you guessed it. Instead of two evils, you are faced with three. Just how messed up is that?!

I am sitting here now, trying to wrap my brain around this whole "trilemma" business (obviously, anything is better right now than thinking about my own dilemma).

Trying to even imagine a situation I've been in that would be remotely considered a trilemma is giving me a welcome (no, that is not a typo, I meant what I said, WELCOME) headache. What situation have I been in that has left me with exactly three choices, with not a single one of the possible end results, capable of leaving me in my natural state of contentment? That's right, that's my natural state. It's such things as "dilemmas" and "trilemmas" (which, for the record, should be outlawed) that disrupt the homeostasis of my peaceful mind!

Hmmm. I really can't think of a trilemma that I've had. It is so foreign to me that I don't even know if I am using the word trilemma correctly in a sentence!

I don't know which is worse, that "trilemma" is an actual word, or that someone had to have had one (a trilemma that is) in order for the word to be created (And NO! That somebody is NOT me, thank goodness)!

Ok. My head's beginning to spin. You get what I am trying to say (I hope). I'm going to give up on this self-torture for now and say goodnight.

Before I go though, I will leave you clear-headed folks to ponder a well-known trilemma:

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die,
an old friend who once saved your life,
and the perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Would you save the old lady?

Repay an old friend's kindness?

Or jump at the chance to find your perfect mate?

Keep in mind that when you decide to help one, you are also deciding NOT to help the others.

The "moral answer" would be to give your car keys to your friend and have your friend take the old lady to the hospital while you wait with your perfect mate for the next bus.

The "immoral answer" would be to run over the old lady to put her out of her misery, have a one night stand with your perfect mate at the bus stop , then take your friend out for some cold drinks to celebrate.

Bad. I know. Ah well. Sorry. Sometimes, you just can't take life too seriously...

Seriously!

Uh Oh. I Might Already Be Dead...?!

2008-07-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

So I open up my email this morning and the first thing I see is a forwarded email from my mom with the ominous title: FDA recalls Ortho Evra Birth Control Patch. Uh oh. I've been using this particular BC (Birth Control) for a few years now (I prefer it to the pill and that dang shot!). This can't be good. What is it gonna tell me? I imagine the worst...some God-Awful affliction akin to leprosy? A rare incurable disease that sucks away at my brain cells until it leaves me with Alzheimer-like symptoms that has me wandering the streets naked? Damnit. I should never have gotten my first degree in nursing! It has done me no good other than to make me paranoid about all the possible illnesses and afflictions a person can get!
I click on the email and it takes about 3 seconds for it to load. THREE seconds! Do you know how many neurons are fired off in THREE SECONDS? Yeah, me neither. The point is, THREE SECONDS is WAAAAY too long to leave someone in paranoid suspense!
Finally it opens and this pops up:

Attention Ortho Evra Users:

If you or someone you know has used the Ortho Evra Birth Control Patch, then you need to have all the facts on the possible side effect and compensation you may be entitled to.
Some of the side effects are:
Blood Clotting (OK, I can take aspirin everyday, I think to myself)
Heart Attacks (Eh. I might be able to survive it)
Stroke (Drink lots of water, take aspirin, eat non-fatty foods...)
Pulmonary Embolisms (Aspirin should help prevent this, along with my healthy diet and exercise...that I'm gonna start TODAY!)
and more... (Damnit! Just when I think I might be able to skate through this...)
Click on the following link to find out about the possible compensation you may be entitled to:
Find out more: http://www.twobog.com/orevll/

Yes, of course I clicked on it! I wanted to know what the heck I was in for. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Where's the flesh-eating skin disorder? Or the incurable neurological dysfunction?

The next page recommends I fill out the fields with my contact information as lawyers are standing by to assist me. Hmmmm... Right below that, there is a survey. There we go. Let's see just how bad my situation is, I think to myself. So I start going through the questions, mentally answering them with the full intention of self-diagnosing myself and figuring out my own prognosis. I might need to go max out the insurances for the kiddos and designate somebody responsible (and capable) for my little angels...

How long have you been taking Ortho Evra? Few years. Damnit. This is not looking good.

What form of Ortho Evra did you take? Patch. Double Damnit. I know this is the one that's causing all the problems! Why didn't I stick to the pills????

Did effects from Ortho Evra include: Here we go...

Heart Attack? Not yet, but I am already susceptible as it is as I have a family history...

Stroke? No, but also have a family history...

Blood Clots? No, but I need to start drinking more fluids to prevent dehydration and I'm going to look for those children's chewable bubble gum flavored aspirin when I go to the clinic today to complain about them putting my health in danger! Don't they know I have kids?! That's WHY I'm on BC in the first place! It's family planning to PREVENT pregnancy, not kill off single mothers!!

Deep Vein Thrombosis? No, but I am NEVER gonna cross my legs again when I am sitting and I really need to start wearing pantyhose...

Pulmonary Embolism? No, but just last night, I was having a hard time breathing...

Death? Uhh...WHAT?! Either you people have lost your minds, or I have woken up this morning as Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense and don't even know I'm already dead! If I were DEAD, would I be here answering this stupid survey?!!!

The last question:

Do you currently have legal representation for this particular case? What is this?! Crossing Over with John Edwards? How do you represent people you think are already dead? What a bunch of nuts...!!

NOTE: Don't worry people. I am still alive! Woohoo! And I'm gonna celebrate by partying like a rockstar! I've got my salad, seared tuna, bottled water and...you guessed it! Children's Chewable BUBBLE GUM FLAVORED Aspirin! I'm livin' it up, baby! Woohoo!

Welcome to the TwiLove Zone

2008-07-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

Just had a conversation with someone last night (or this morning) about that show - The Twilight Zone. Does anybody remember that? I used to watch it when I was younger and I used to think it was so F! (NOTE: For non-FCrew members, when I say F, I mean the letter grade we teachers give our students on VERY RARE occasions to indicate something is really wrong!) That show was really messed up! They would always start out the show by introducing characters to us that we can relate to (or at least sympathize with) and then, just when you think everything is going to get better for them, they introduce some F plot that puts the poor characters in living hell - for the rest of their lives! Really messed up... !

So anyway, a few things have been brought to my attention lately that have made me pause to reflect a little bit more on life and all the quirks that it brings. Some quirks are so profound that they reminded me of the Twilight Zone. Unfortunately, I can not go into great detail as it involves other people whom would prefer to remain anonymous, so, I'm gonna give you a couple of hypothetical scenarios just to see what you think about it all. I'm gonna just throw them out there and I welcome any feedback I may receive. Ready?

You have a choice to be with someone you love or someone who loves you. But in this TwiLove Zone, you can not have it both ways...

Would you follow your heart and be with someone you know you have true feelings for, but, for whatever reason, you know you are not completely... free? Either there is something about this relationship that prevents you from being completely open in the world about it or else the feelings are not entirely reciprocated. Would you choose... TO LOVE?

Or would you choose to be with someone you know loves you completely, and would do anything for you, but you know that you can never have the same feelings that they have for you? Would you choose... to BE LOVED?

To rephrase in Shakespearean lingo..."To love or be loved. That is the question."

Remember, you cannot have it both ways, and there are no alternatives (JUST FOR A WHILE or NEITHER are not options).

Have you chosen, yet? Remember your answer.

Ok. Now. What if we are not speaking of romantic love here? What if you have to choose between...jobs, let's say?

What if you had to choose between a job you LOVE that doesn't pay so well but you know you are needed and it will make a huge difference to others (TO LOVE) and a job you like that pays you very well and nobody could care less what you did as long as you kept receiving your paychecks (to BE LOVED)? Which would you choose?

Did you choose TO LOVE or to BE LOVED in the scenarios? Did your views change when you went from thinking about people to thinking about your job? Which is more important to you? Or is LOVE important at all? What did you take into account when you made your choices?

I wonder sometimes why we do things or lead lives that make us unhappy or incomplete. I will be blunt - I am no exception, so please don't get me wrong. I am not standing at a pulpit here, condemning or condoning anything. I am merely reflecting. And that is all.

I've been around the block enough times to know that there are those who could care less about such things. I actually do understand this, having been at the receiving end of life's fast balls and curve balls at one time or another. Sometimes, it's easier to cut out those things that make us vulnerable.

But, then what are we left with? Empty shells that once housed beautiful souls...

I was lucky to have met a long lost "beautiful soul" again recently. I hope this time, they will remember and hold on to what's most important...

I can hint at it, I can talk about it, I can write about it.
But, maybe I should let these words (that have withstood the test of time) say it with a clarity and poetry that I could only hope to aspire to:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love,
I am only a resounding gong
or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy
and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor
and surrender my body to the flames,
but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres.

Love never fails....

And now these three remain:
faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these... is love.

*Taken from the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:1-13.

Love Always,

Elle

I'm Back, Baby!

2008-07-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, I just got back a couple of days ago from my much needed trip back home. And though I've been back in Saipan for several days, my mind has still not caught up with my body yet as my thoughts are still there...

So what the heck have I been up to? Well, for starters, Brother Ben and I received our masters in May.

That's my Dad, Ben, me holding Rhyme (Ben's handsome son) and my Mom. I should mention that although this picture is full of smiles, there was a teary moment at the start of the ceremony when I thought SOMEBODY wasn't gonna be in the ceremony with me (I won't mention any names but I'll give you a hint: it's somebody wearing a graduation gown in the picture and it ISN'T me)!hat's right! I wasn't even gonna walk at all but SOMEBODY told me I should because the family would want that (Who could this be?? Could it be the same suspect in the heinous crime of familial abandonment I mentioned previously? That might very well be a yes!). I was a good 15 minutes early thank you very much, and will you believe I had to walk (with tears in my eyes, no less) believing I was gonna do the whole thing without him?! I won't show you those pictures! Trust me, they weren't pretty! Ah, but he made it a good 20 minutes AFTER the ceremony started and luckily I had saved him his seat by putting his name card on his chair, telling myself he'd at least be there (literally) in name only. SLACKER! I'm actually really glad he made it though - I was really bummed when I couldn't find him and the ceremony was starting. Ai adai!

Afterwards, Dad had a little get together for family and friends. Umm. Can people NOT take a picture of me when I am eating? I look like an idiot. I'm putting this picture in to make a statement here. NO PICTURES WHEN EATING. Thank you.

And of course, most of you know I went to Chuuk for my sister's wedding, but NOT before I visited Brother Chris and his beautiful family in Guam! Check out the littlest angel! She's gonna be Guam's next top model! She's a natural!

In this picture (from left to right) are: Sirena, my Dad, Brother Chris, me, Vanessa (posing for the camera), Cassie(standing), Jennifer (Chris' beautiful wife) and Allie.

In Chuuk, I met up with people I had not seen in a long time, some in over 17 years, and others I had never seen like my beautiful little niece Luanne (my sister Alliz' little girl):

And of course, I was in the Peachy Wedding - it was rather beautiful I must say, so here's a picture...

Yeah, that's me in the back (third from left) wearing the infamous dress - shut up! I look pretty good for a darn peach if I do say so myself - maybe not as good as everybody else in the picture, but not bad for a somebody who would rather not look like a fruit. Haha! Fine. Laugh. Just don't let me catch you...!

Awww. Don't they look cute together? They really are an awesome couple :-).

That's Phil getting the party started! He got a bunch of people on the dance floor! Great party, great food, great people. What more could you ask for?

I love this picture! My sister looks so beautiful and happy! And why shouldn't she be? Her husband is such an awesome guy! I love him! You should hear him when he tells the story about the first time he saw her - soo romantic. Sorry, not my story to tell. Besides, I think my sister would kill me if I told anyone! Hehe!

Speaking of romance, there seems to be something of an epidemic going around, huh? But, that's another story...

Home is Where the Heart Is...

2008-05-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

Artist: Chris Daughtry
Album: Daughtry
Song: Home

Lyrics :

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

I can have fun too!

2008-05-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."
- Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

My last few posts have been pretty wordy...SORRY!! Today, I am keeping the words to a minimum.

Although I won't dispute that I am pretty boring 99% of the time, I jacked some pictures from friends that PROVE that I can have fun, too!

Christmas Party 2007

(Rhonda, Me, Betty, Diana, and Kathy)

Don't worry, y'all! These are just props!

Aquarius Beachtower Hotel (Me, Diana, Mari, and Kim)
We had flip cup competitions and Diana's stupid Chubby Bunny game! I HATE marshmallows!

Mad Hatter Party(Jenn, Betty, Rhonda, Kim, and Yours Truly)

And, yes, I know it was HAT night, and I rocked a silk scarf, but Diana (not shown) wore a paper bag on her head! It's ALL good!

Staying In(Me, Mohana, Ote, and Betty)

3 words...Chocolate Cake Shots!

Playing Games

(Mohana, Oly, Ote, Me, and Diana)

The night we played Kings (card game), where Diana made a rule that we had to say "In My Pants" after every sentence - Oly could NOT stop laughing. We also played "Have You Ever/I Have Never" and with THIS group, the Have You Evers far outnumbered the I Have Nevers!

Going Out with the Ladies

Uhm, I actually don't remember where I went this night...It must have been fun though;-)

Being Silly

Oly (My Palauan Twin) and Me...I can always make her laugh!

Double Trouble (The Double D's - Sisters Deeana & Diana)

(Deeana & Me)

I will NEVER forget Deeana's Sniffing Scavenger Hunt! I'm so glad no chick knocked you out for trying to find the mysterious cologne on their boyfriend! We miss you D!

(Diana & Me)

This is the same night I can't remember, but Diana was with me, and that means I was probably trying to keep her from talking to psycho killers...Didn't her parents warn her about taking in stray PETS much less random strangers?

Good Times, Good Times!

The Monkey Song!

2008-05-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

My students know the monkey song. I always sing it on their special day, and today, they sang it to me (at LEAST three times!) when I let them in the classroom... Happy Birthday to ME,

I live in a zoo (4 kids at home)!

I look like a monkeeey (check out my baby picture above!),

and I smell like one too (no aircon for the first two hours of work everyday)!

Yup, it's my birthday! I am #! (if you really wanna know, you can check your keyboard to decode). By the way, it's May 14th, but for some reason, my posts are always dated the day before (probably set on Mainland time and I haven't figured out how to adjust it yet).

Why is it the BEST DAY EVER?

1. My housekeeper made me pancit, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and orange juice for breakfast as a surprise (it's the thought that counts)!

2. My two older kids woke up in less than 30 minutes after I told them to get up for school (usually takes 45 minutes to an hour).

3. Miss Kathy gave me a birthday hug - first one at school to wish me happy birthday!

4. My students brought (even though I told them specifically I didn't want anyone to bring

anything, just a "ready to work and follow directions" attitude - they actually DID too!) a spongecake, a teacher notepad, an orange, a mango, birthday cards, a plumeria necklace (plumeria is my favorite flower) and matching cell phone decoration thingy (don't know what you call it). Oh, and I won't mention the bag of candy we're not allowed to eat on campus...

5. Miss Ote brought me chicken kelaguen and GALAXY doughnuts! Woohoo!

6. Miss Mary and Mr. Roman gave me birthday hugs, too!

7. Miss Oly brought me CAKE (which I ate very rudely in front of Miss Mary and Miss Mohanna and didn't offer them any until I almost finished it!). Sorry!

8. Money from Mommy... She knows me so well!

9. Artwork from Jayda (9 year old niece and Goddaughter)!

10. Dinner date tonight with Daddy and my Uncle Abraham (came two nights ago from Chuuk)!

11. Happy Birthday Text from Brother Ben!

And the day's not even over yet!

Woww! Thanks everybody, and I love you all for making my birthday the...

BEEEST DAAAY EEVEEEEEER!

The Other Side of Paradise

2008-05-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

I notice I tend to write about silly things lately, but there are certain experiences in my life that stay with me, and possibly define me, though I have possibly tried to avoid that fact. I often feel as if I am disrespecting very important people in my life when I indulge in the nonsensical. I'm afraid that I possibly give the illusion that I am the type of person whom is disconnected from the realities of life and clueless about what is going on in the world, when actually, I am not. It is as if I have forgotten where I came from, and I no longer walk the path that I know is mine. I have a lifelong obligation to individuals I often refer to as "My People" (actually I am theirs), and I know I have sorely neglected them, and therefore have failed them. In less than a month, as I have mentioned in the previous blog, I am going back home to Chuuk. My sister (first cousin) is getting married, and as excited as I am about going back home, certain memories invade my thoughts. The faces of my grandmother and namesake, Elena, her sister (my great aunt) Natis, my uncle Steve...and little Rosa, sweet little Rosa. She was just a baby. I see them so clearly...it's so hard to imagine I will never see them again.
I see my grandmother cooking, always cooking, by the open fire...she never had a moments' rest, always moving around, constantly working, in her quiet way. Her shy smile creating crinkles at the corner of her eyes, as she would prepare and get things done before anybody even realized they needed to BE done...
Mama Natis, her older sister, outlived her by more than a decade. Dubbed the "Queen" by just about everybody in the household, she was probably the exact opposite of my grandmother. She was not shy at all, and made sure everybody knew exactly what she wanted and when. She was the only Protestant in our very Catholic household, and loved to get into heated arguments with anybody and everybody on the "correct way" to pronounce the name Jesus, of all things. "See-sehs, NOT Yay-sus!" she would declare, much to my amusement and everybody else's irritation (back home, Protestants pronounced it her way, Catholics would pronounce it the other way). And she would sing... in that beautiful, crackly voice I loved so much, that song she taught me when I was three or four years old. "Lon See-sehs, Lon See-sehs, Lon See-sehs, sipwe kuuna manau..." (In Jesus, In Jesus, In Jesus, we will find life). She would sing it loudly, so anybody walking on the path outside our house could hear her (and also to drown out everybody else's "Lon Yay-sus, Lon Yay-sus..."). She was such a strong character! Even when she was bedridden and sick, she would demand they put sugar in her tea and sugar in her pancakes, much to my auntie's Begonia's dismay. "You are sick with a cough, if we put sugar in your food and tea, then it will make you cough more!" At which, Mama Natis would throw her cup and plate right out the door and refuse to eat until she got what she wanted. Enter yours truly. "Ellen, you are my favorite because you put sugar in my tea and you make me sweet pancakes!" She would beam. Of course I would rub it in everybody's faces..."I'm her favorite! You guys are just mean!" I'm sure they LOOOVED me! Haha! I figured, at eighty or ninety years old, she should eat and drink whatever the heck she wanted. She's earned it just for living that long. Mama Natis always made me feel like I was the bringer of joy, someone who could help alleviate suffering and pain...
Uncle Steve is (was??) my dad's younger brother. He just passed away very recently and I still have not come to terms with it. He was a very strong willed man, and, I've heard, a very difficult child when he was growing up, with a strong body and temper to match. Everybody I knew growing up was afraid of him. He had a stroke some time ago, and the right side of his body was paralyzed. People say his sheer determination and fighter's spirit enabled him to force himself to walk again, which he did despite the fact that he never regained function of his right arm and leg. I remember one time one of our cousins threatened to hang himself in drunken theatrics, and Uncle Steve came and literally knocked some sense into him (with his left hand). My cousin didn't even move because he was afraid he'd anger Uncle Steve even more, and took the beating - my cousin never did threaten to kill himself again, though! I think he was too scared of what Uncle Steve would do if he wasn't successful. He (Uncle Steve) was at first a teacher, and later became active as a member of our island's municipal government. I know everybody remembers him a certain way, but, I've always had a different view of him. Maybe because I was the only one that I knew of that he handled with kid gloves for some reason.
I remember him as the smiling, handsome man (his son Jason has the same dimple, and looks so much like him) whose voice would light up on the rare occasion I would call home, "Oh! My gold! How is my precious child?" he would say to me. I remember the time he would send his wife with a wheelbarrow to take away the basin of clothes I was washing by hand (much to my embarrassment and Mama Begonia's chagrin) so that they could wash it in their washing machine (probably the only one on the whole island, as he was one of the few people who actually had a generator). I remember Mama Bego would send me with a small cereal bowl to ask Uncle Steve for uncooked rice whenever we would run out, and he would have his sons load the infamous wheelbarrow with a basin full of half a sack of rice and whatever else he could fit in there. I like to think Uncle Steve believed I was worthy of his love and respect, and, in his humble way, he gave me everything he had to offer...
And then, there was little Rosa. Beautiful, sweet Rosa. At the time, she was the youngest of five children. Every family (including my own) on our small island had to go without every once in a while - that was (and is) just a fact of life there because of the limited resources and overpopulation. But, her family was probably the worst off in regards to meeting their basic needs. She had these long, beautiful lashes, and curls in her hair. She would come to our house often barefoot and unkempt, and always, with a shy smile. She was our little doll. My sisters ("first cousins" in the American culture) and I would dress her up in our old clothes that we would dig out of our closet, tell her stories, and teach her songs to sing. Sometimes, we would tease her, asking her if it was true that she was prettier than her older sister. She would say indeed it WAS true in such a matter-of-fact voice, we would end up rolling on the floor with laughter!
Little Rosa (without intending to lay blame) was left alone (napping) in her house for reasons that matter not at this point. She ended up walking down to the beach (every house is near the beach - that's how small our island is) where some kids told her to come and swim with them, not understanding that, at three, she had not learned to swim yet...

I see her face in my youngest daughter, Liekeila'akata (see picture at right, age 2). The same lashes, the same curly hair... and then there are those moments when she smiles, that hauntingly familiar smile, stopping both time and my heart...
All of these people, and many more I can not possibly name, have touched my life in a very profound way. They have all experienced great hardships, hunger, pain and suffering. I know. I was there. And yet, the joy and experiences they brought into my life has been nothing short of lifechanging. The most humbling thought is...they believed in me. Sadly though, I am but an unfulfilled promise. I wish sometimes that I can see myself through their eyes.
To live my life in this selfish fashion that I have been living is to disgrace their memory and an insult to those who are alive even now. What do I really have to complain about? Really? How dare I complain about power outages when my people live with no electricity at all? How dare I complain that my car is in the shop, when my people don't even have a car? How dare I complain about the maid's cooking when so many of my people, including children, go without food on a daily basis? Did I actually just say that?! The MAID'S COOKING??? Uuugh! Disgusting! What kind of monster have I become? When did I become this shallow, selfish creature? Worse, have I always been...?
I have always known why I am here, and I have always known what I have to do, but somehow, along the way, I have lost my way. I've lost myself. Things happen. But the memories (and faces) beckon...
And I remember that which I often forget...that which is most important.
It's time to go back home.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas.

Random Thoughts

2008-05-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

Doubled utility billings? Insane gas prices? Idiotic leaders? NO MOVIE THEATERS??? How does one cope? This is what I do...

Welcome to my deepest, innermost thoughts. Today, I take you to the darkest, cob-webbiest recesses of my brain, where you may glimpse the top ten randomest, and (quite possibly) the most nonsensical musings of a financially strapped, sleep deprived, under-exercised, single mother of four. FAIR WARNING: CONTENTS OF MY BRAIN ARE STRICTLY MY OWN, AND ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS. I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO ALTER THEM AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT FOR ANY OR NO REASON AT ALL. THOUGHTS ARE IN RANDOM ORDER (IT'S ON A FIRST COME FIRST SERVE BASIS), AND I HAVE GIVEN NO REGARD TO ENSURING THAT IT MAKES SENSE TO ANYBODY AT ALL (INCLUDING YOURS TRULY). VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

My random thoughts of the day...

1. If I were reincarnated, I'd be a turtle. I've always been slow. Ask anybody in my family...drives them nuts! Heehee. Turtles are ugly beautiful, just like me (and elephants)! See, they are an enigma, born on land, slow on land. But, just try to catch one of these babies in the ocean! I've heard that they always return to the place of their birth before they die, despite the hindrance factor. They go back to their roots, if you will. I like that sense of loyalty. (Science majors, don't ruin my romantic view of the majestic turtle, please! I really don't care if there's a "Scientific/Logical Explanation" to their behavior or if I'm completely off with my information about turtles! Let me put them on a pedestal for now until one of my students informs me otherwise, ok smarty pants? Kids believe in Santa, I believe in turtles...and what?)

If I could choose, I'd wanna be THIS turtle.

2. If Rhonda (Flip Flop) were reincarnated, she'd be a bird. She eats like a bird, screeches like Scuttle (seagull in The Little Mermaid), and drives me crazy with that darn song she likes to sing at the most inappropriate times (like in the middle of a Masters class!)..."I'm like a bird..." She'd be the one bird that wouldn't be able to focus long enough to actually fly. She'd be too busy talking to the other birds (who are TRYING to fly)! I could just see her drop straight out of the sky in mid-flight (or mid-sentence). That image makes me laugh every time! HAHAHAHAHA! By the way, that's her on the right...

3. Who is the mysterious Beachcomber???

4. My cousin has confirmed that "Peach" is her color of choice for her wedding this summer (which I will be wearing as I am the maid of honor)...peach. Ahem. "How are you feeling today Miss Elle?" Well, that depends. "I would normally be just peachy, but the thought of wearing peach is the PITS!" My brother Jim might go to the wedding. If I sit next to him at the wedding, it'll be "James and the Giant Peach." Need I go on? O.K., fine. I'll stop here. I know it's not about me as it's not MY day, but still...

5. Stimulus checks are coming out. How quickly can I spend it? I think I could probably set a world record...

6. I can't wait to watch Diana (a.k.a. Fake Fat, a.k.a. Trench Wench) fight in the grappling match today!! First female in the C.N.M.I! Who cares if she's fighting an eleven year old boy! Woohoo! I really hope they don't mess up her face, she's so pretty (stole this picture off of her myspace - sorry D-dawg)!! UPDATE: SHE WAS AWESOME!! HUNG IN THERE AND WORKED THE POOR GUY! WOOHOO!! Ok, she didn't win, but winning ISN'T everything! She was a real champ! Tinian new BFFs, Herman (real name Raymond, got that now!) and the Brians (I think real names are Brandon and Dominic, but not sure and "Brian" is just as good) came to help us cheer her on!

7. Since I have been tasked to plan my cousin's wedding, I'm thinking having a wedding might be fun. Notice I said wedding, not marriage. I'd like to do it ONCE before I'm too old to enjoy it (or at least before I die). To whom is the real question. Hmmm.... Anybody need U.S. Citizenship? "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to have a wedding? Well, you'd have to pay for it, but, you'd never have to see me again after the reception!" But, then again, I've never been too fond of prison stripes...

8. I really AM gonna make it to Italy...one day! Cistine Chapel, Michelangelo's La Pieta and David, St. Peter's Basilica... even if it IS 16 years from now...

O.K. I know I said top ten, but eight is close enough. Besides, if you turn the number 8 sideways, it's the symbol for infinity (which appropriately describes the number of inane thoughts that run through my head). The problem is, I can't type as fast as I think, so by the time I get to

what I was supposed to write about next, I'm already on to the next random thought. I can't keep up with myself...
'Til next time.
Elle

Adventures of a Single Chick

2008-04-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

So I went to this party. I had the most bizarre conversation I've ever had, I think, IN MY LIFE! It was so ridiculous I have to share it. Anyway, this guy comes up to me and sits down right across from me on the picnic table. Pretty scruffy looking, looks like he's been drinking for the last two days (at least), and obviously convinced he's got game like a superstar. He looks me squarely in the face and studies me for about five seconds. I stare straight back at him. Poor guy doesn't know what he's dealing with.
"Hi." He finally says.
"Hello." I reply unblinking.
"What's your name?"
"My name's Ellen, what's yours?"
"I'm *****." (No need for actual names other than my own).
We gecko stare for a few seconds, neither one blinking nor moving.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm Chuukese." Here we go, I think to myself.
"What?! Chuukese? Wow! You don't look Chuukese!"
"Really?" Wrong move, buddy. "And what do Chuukese look like?" I can't help myself. Just give him enough rope...
"They're black." He says, like an idiot. Oh, it's ON now! Usually, I have patience for this type of nonsense, but this particular night I just wasn't having it. I narrow my eyes and focus on his smile.
"And where are you from?" I say sweetly.
"I'm from Hawai'i." He obviously thinks this will win points with me.
"Oh? You don't look Hawai'ian." I stare at him pointedly. The smile wavers. Be nice, Elle, I try to tell myself. But that stereotypical comment was still grating on my nerves. "What island?" I ask.
"Lanai." He says after a pause. Game over. Let's put an end to this now.
"I see. So you live on a porch?"
"Huh?" He's confused.
"You said Lanai. That means porch. In Hawai'ian."
Lana'i with the 'okina, or glottal stop (which is distinguishable in speech), is the name of the island he was trying to name. He said it without the 'okina, and thus changed the meaning to 'porch'. A Hawai'ian would have pronounced it correctly.
He stares at me, uncertainty evident in his eyes. I stare straight back at him and smile.
He looks at the lady sitting next to me, who starts to giggle.
"Hi! Where are you from?" He asks her.
"I'm from Kiribati." She's laughing now.
"Oh! Wow! We're neighbors!" Leaning over to give her a high-five.
"Really? Where are you from?"
"I'm from the Marshalls!" I roll my eyes and laugh to myself.
I've got to give him credit though. He was persistent.
"So, I think I like you." He says to me a few seconds later.
"You don't even know me." I say.
"So do you like me?" He's too far gone into his own game that he's not even listening.
"No."
"Not even a little?" Oh, so he can hear.
"No."
"So can I ask you for some information?"
"What kind of information?"
"Can I get your telephone number?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to give it to you."
"Do you have a husband?"
"No."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No."
"So, what do you think?"
"About what?"
"How about you and me? We date!"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I'm not interested."
"But you don't have a husband or a boyfriend!" This is obviously hard for him to comprehend.
"And I don't want one."
At this point, the lady from Kiribati leans over and whispers,
"How many times are you gonna tell him no before he gets it?"
Good question.
Later, as we were leaving, another friend of mine came up to me, laughing, saying:
"I wanted to tell you earlier, that guy that was trying to hit on you kept looking over at me, winking and trying to tell me he wanted to meet up with me later!"
Unbelievable! You just couldn't make these things up! Good times, good times!

When It Rains...

2008-04-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of these days? I love the duck. He couldn't care less!

"That Rare Girl"

2008-04-17T15:11:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I went out with a group of friends and coworkers after attending a wedding. Toward the end of the night we migrated to the Pavilion at Micro Beach. At one point, I ended up chatting with Kalani, a guy I work with. I have often chatted with Kalani at work, but never about anything super serious. I have always thought he was a pretty nice guy, a bit on the quiet side, but he seems to have his head on straight (pretty uncommon for a guy out here if you ask me). Other than the fact that he's in the military, I honestly couldn't tell you that much more about him, other than that we have common acquaintances. Our conversation inexplicably led to the type of girl he is searching for - just for the record, he was NOT coming on to me, so don't jump to conclusions, although the actual reason we came to this subject is private (as it involved other individuals whom shall remain anonymous)! He said he's looking for "that rare girl" whom enjoys the simple things in life, and appreciates being with the person she is with at the time. As if on cue, Angie (also a coworker), interrupted our conversation, asking what we were talking about. Angie is one of those characters that will make you wonder why we ever take anything so seriously. She just has this happy, fun-loving personality that makes you want to forget all the negative things in life and focus on having fun with people you enjoy being with. And yet, I detected a bit of seriousness when she laughingly told us that it didn't matter if she didn't have any money at all, as long as she had a good man (and kissed her husband so sweetly right then and there). To which Kalani whispered, "There's a rare girl right there." It reminded me of another conversation I had with a very special person a while ago. In that particular conversation, I was asked what I was looking for and I believe my answers were very similar to Kalani's. Someone to do things with, share experiences with, be happy with, etc. I began to wonder if maybe we weren't all searching for the same thing. I thought about the people I knew. O.K., so there are those few who are just out for a good time, and those who want to be taken care of (financially, sexually, whatever). But, I think for the most part, ultimately, most people want to be with someone they can connect with at more than one level, free from the drama that comes with a selfish, self-destructive lifestyle. I think even people who are in bad relationships still hope for this. Personally, I was with a person I knew was extremely wrong for me for a long time because I didn't actually believe I would ever find "that rare guy." But, now I know that good people (a.k.a. "rare guys") exist and I know I don't need to settle for less than what I'm looking for. So along that vein, I have decided that I'm taking a year off from any serious relationships. I'm going to learn from Angie and Kalani, and enjoy my life a little bit more and appreciate what I already have. "At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer. Thanks guys!

Butterfly

2008-04-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered if the humble caterpillar knows from birth that it is destined for great beauty. Or did he wake up one day and realize he was tired of being a caterpillar and decide to make a change? Who would have ever thought that such a heavy, clumsy looking thing would ever be capable of flight? I'll come back to this...
Yesterday was one of those days. April 15th. Tax day. There is such a finality to it. It marks the end of another tax year. Everybody knows this day is coming, and yet, the throng of last minute filers (myself included), would seem to indicate a level of unconscious denial of the inevitable. Just the thought of driving to the department of tax and rev is enough to make me tired. I'd envision the dark dirty hallway, the ocean of forgettable faces, the lifeless eyes of overworked (thus apathetic) government workers, and I'd put it aside for "just another day." Until "The Day" is here and I kick myself for not having dealt with it sooner. And suddenly...motion! I gather all my paperwork, set my mind to the task at hand, and crunch the numbers. I managed to file my taxes (all by myself like a pro I might add!), and as I walked out of there, there was this lightness in my chest as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders...
Yesterday was one of those days. My sister-in-law left the island. She had known she was leaving for a while. We had often talked about it as we waited for our kids while they were at swimming practice. Even on Monday, the reality of it had not completely hit home until we were leaving and I realized that this would probably be the last time I would see her before she left. Her daughter asked me later why I had cried. I told my niece I had known her mother for a very long time. My niece informed me very matter of factly that she has known her mother for nine years (her entire life). I smiled at this. I have known her for nearly thirteen years. And as sad as it was for her to leave her home of fifteen years, I was so happy that she would be starting a new, and almost definitely, a better, life...
Yesterday was one of those days. The judge asked me if I would ever consider making amends with (and go back with) the father of my three children. For almost thirteen years, I have felt that I have been trapped in the twilight zone. Like a zombie (alive, yet not alive), I've often felt that we were trudging through life, half aware that the path we were on always led to the same terrible place, much like lab rats in a maze trying to find the nonexistent exit. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, yet I refused to look directly at him. He looked the same, he sounded the same, but, I knew that the person I knew thirteen years ago had either died many years ago, or had never existed. In either case, there was no doubt in my mind what my answer was. No. Walking out of there, I realized I had always known this day would come...
I've thought a lot about the ugly caterpillar. He creeps through life at a stumbly bumbly pace, at once disgusting and fascinating, doing what needs to be done to get through "just another day." Until, one day, he finds himself alone in the dark, trapped tightly in an ugly cocoon of his own making. It is then, and only then, that a transformation takes place, merely by finding that strength within. We all know the rest. He emerges from that dark and desolate place, and ultimately is able to defy the laws of gravity that used to hold him down. As corny as it sounds, I can't help but appreciate the beauty of it all. I can't help but appreciate the feeling of hope that such a lowly creature can inspire. Such is the beauty of flight and freedom. Such is the beauty of the butterfly.

The Numbers Game

2008-01-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

Are there numbers that have a special meaning in your life? Think about it. Maybe my list can help you think of some numbers in your life.

My Numbers:

3 - a special number that can be either good or bad. Still unsure. This magic number applies to the number of drinks that can change prince charming into a frog (or vice versa depending on who is doing the drinking).

13 - unlucky number that I seem to be drawn to. (I think my day of death may be Friday the Thirteenth). Will you guys verify?

6 - number of times I've seen P.S. I Love You (So Far!)

4 - number of angels God has blessed me with (A.K.A. "Handsome," "Princess," "Jungle Boy," and "Kata.")

"A Million" - Diana's interpretation of the cost of anything that exceeds a dollar.

25 - number of dollars Diana spent on my Christmas gift (that means she spent more than 24 million dollars on me! I have no doubts that I'm loved by D-dawg!)

30 - number of years I've been on Earth (at least physically!).

2 - the number of times I've gotten either Kathy or Betty to watch P.S. I Love You with me! Thanks, guys!

17 - the number of times you need to do something before it becomes a habit.

79 - approximate number of years of life for females.

72 - approximate number of years of life for males.

0 - the number of times you have Flip Flop's COMPLETE attention for 2 WHOLE MINUTES
(you know I love you dawg!)

So what does this all mean? I have no idea but they are interesting nonetheless. So stop trying to psychoanalyze everything and enjoy life as it comes. It's gonna go by fast. Happy New Year Y'all.

The Happy House

2007-11-28T18:50:00.000-08:00

(Remember, happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have, it depends solely upon what you think. -Dale Carnegie) I'm moving into a new house...it's GREEN! I don't mean "earth-friendly" green. I mean, it is GREEN as in happy lime green with a slightly darker green trim! I would not have painted my house this way, I am a neutral and earth-tone housepaint advocate (yes, I'm boring and safe). None of my furniture, art, or curtains "go" with the green, but, I've decided after approximately 24 hours of uncertainty, that this lime green is positively the happiest color in the world! I think it is time for a change. And this happy green house is just the thing I need right now. I love it! It has three bedrooms, a living room, small kitchen, and a bathroom...all for three hundred dollars a month! The bathroom is, by far, the coolest spot! It's actually two small rooms with the toilet and shower in one section and the sink in the other. I've dragged in one of the big wicker chairs, my Dr. Scholl's foot bath, magazines, etc. to create (Tada!) an instant spa! My kids think I'm insane, but I think they love it too! The house is right next to a store, a basketball court/playground, and is a ten minute walk away from my work. I've heard that a fellow f-crew (supposedly) lives nearby (smile!). There are mango trees, coconut trees, and a huge backyard where the kids can play that leads to the owner's farm. Thank you Tony and Mohanna - the best landlords (landpersons?) a person could ask for! I'm gonna learn how to put pictures on this site, so I can show you my very cool, happy green house, so I've solicited (and I'm gonna solicit) assistance from veteran (f-crew) bloggers, yes, that's you Fishkiller and Fake Fat!

Moments of Passion

2007-11-24T00:57:00.000-08:00

We've all had them. Those moments when passion supercedes all else. When you feel strongly about something (or someone), nothing else matters. In those "momentos de pasion," you live solely for that one reason. Whether you are fighting for a cause, your children, or your life, nothing else matters. If you succeed, the world is just, just as it should be. If you fail...you might feel as I do at this particular moment. I'm tired of fighting. Fighting for what should be, what is fair, and what is right. I read a story to a bunch of kids today called Heckedy Peg by Audrey Woods. It's one of my favorites. It's my 5 year-old son's (Jungle Boy's) favorite story too. Just thinking about him while I read the story made me feel so very sad. I feel very much like the impoverished mother of seven trying to get her children back from the evil witch Heckedy Peg. I have barely seen my kids for the last week and a half. I didn't see them for Thanksgiving either. I hate fighting. But lately it seems like it's all I've been doing. Fighting for my kids, fighting for stabiliy in my children's life, and fighting for the right to fight. I am mostly a quiet person, and I was told that because I've generally been a passive person throughout my life, people that are closest to me will resent and get angered by any assertiveness on my part. Boy was that an understatement. This quote by Dolores Ibarruri - "It is better to die on your feet, than on your knees" - gives me strength. This quote by Eleanor Roosevelt -"When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery, rather than to avenge it?" - gives me hope. El vivir por una sola razon. I live for one sole reason, my kids. The kids are what I love most in this world and I would give up everything, including my life, for them. Any real parent understands this.