That Time of Year

Yep. We're back to that time of year again. It's my birthday and I'm OLDER, but, I just don't know if I'm WISER. I'd like to think I am, but... (no comment)!

I remember as a child, I would wait excitedly for my birthday. Presents, cake... presents!

Also, my birthday signified something totally important to me. It was the day, I was no longer "THE YOUNGEST" of nine children! If you're the youngest among your siblings, you know that being the youngest (when you are still a child) is not so cool. I admit it's kind of cool now that we're older (it's kinda fun to tell my brothers they will always be OLDer), but back in the day, being the youngest was really no fun. If I fought with my brother, I was always reprimanded and told I should respect my elders - even if he was BARELY a year older than I was! That's right, BARELY. My brother, Ben is 4 days shy of being a complete year older than I am. So on my birthday, he and I are technically the same age (hence I am not younger) until his birthday rolls around, 4 days later.

To be fair, I know I got away with a lot of things BECAUSE I am the youngest. As a matter of fact, Brother Ben could probably regale you with a billion anecdotes of all the falls he took for me BECAUSE I was the youngest ("and a GIRL!"). I will admit that he took the blame when I left the mosquito coil on my wooden closet that my father built for me and nearly burnt the house down. To my defense, I would just like to say that when my father called us both into the living room, Dad didn't ask ME if I did it, he just assumed Ben was trying to kill me (because apparently, that was more believeable than it was to believe that I had left it there)! If Ben didn't exactly have a motive before that, he might have developed one after that particular incident... especially since I didn't fess up (I pleaded the FIFTH, people! Totally legal!). Nope. I never did tell my dad I had left the burning coil in my room (um, my bad!).

However, I will NOT admit to permanently scarring Ben's head! ALLEGEDLY, I kicked him or pushed him off the bunk bed or something, an incident, for the record, that I do NOT recollect. I mean, even if I DID do that, it was totally an accident and besides, I think I was like, three years old or something! Isn't there like a saying? Oh, yeah "Innocent as a babe," I believe it is. Hehehe!

Anyway, as far back as I can remember, I used to try and figure out how I felt about being older. When I turned 10, I remember thinking to myself, "I was nine yesterday, and now I'm ten - how is this different?" It didn't feel different, but I told myself it HAD to be.

I still do something like this on my birthday, but it's more like, "Ok, it's been a year since my last birthday, what have I accomplished since then?" More often than not, despite whatever progress I might have made, my mind will fixate on ONE thing that I DIDN'T do right. On my 30th birthday, I received a letter from my family back home telling me about how the rising sea level had destroyed most of my people's food sources. I was so upset with myself that I was not in a place to do more for them. My brother, Jim, noticed my sadness and asked if getting older was getting me down. Nope. I'm not bothered about getting older at all. I really don't care if I get wrinkles or gray hair or any of that stuff - those are all just the facts of life. What I AM worried about is, wasting my life and having nothing to show for it. Two years later and I've come to the conclusion that I will never be "in that place" to help my family back home because I have such high expectations of what I need to do for them, that I've come to realize that I can't accomplish that AND raise my kids properly, AND maintain my job, AND maintain my sanity. Don't get me wrong, I will still always want to help them. I just need to set more reasonable (and REALISTIC) goals for myself. So here's to setting new goals and (hopefully) another full year to get my butt in gear to do what I need to do before my next self-evaluation!
Have a great day, y'all.
Always.
Elle

Wednesday, May 13, 2009